༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-12-01 06:15:43 (UTC)

Vampires dark grasp

Woke up to hissing like a vampire
That’s exactly the sound I heard in my head that woke me up

He had cut the light on to go to work
I wobble up, shaking

Oh I’m sorry I didn’t see you there he says

Ok
Don’t matter
I’m up now
I won’t be able to go to sleep

Checked my Fitbit
Guess my heart rate when I was sleeping went up to 178
It’s been getting higher every day

Am I going to have another heart attack?

My mind is no clearer than a few hours ago
I ended up crashing around 1230
Was playing Yahtzee and my eyes got heavy
I kept my mouth shut this morning
Men don’t want to hear anything about what’s bugging someone first thing in the morning
Most don’t

I was pondering a few hours ago
Him moving back is a good idea
I can relax a bit once he’s out
I won’t be stressed and fearful
That will help some
He claims it’s a temporary thing
Till spring
I hope to have my disability by then
I will be in my own place I’m happy in
Alone
Just me and my kid
That’s my dream
It’s a beautiful paid for home
I will own a small dog
I will be able to pay for what my son and I need with no issues

It’s sad
He works
But never pays for anything but rent here and that’s normally 15 days late
He hasn’t bought food in a long time
Hasn’t paid electric either
He’s had free food
Free electric
Free heat
Free cable
Free internet

I pray lately that I find myself soon
I want to be happy with me being me again
It’s shitty to wake up and not like yourself but it’s even worse when you go to bed hating yourself so bad you don’t want to be alive

I had muscle spasms again last night but my left side this time

Ya know I should go back to my daily medication
My head didn’t run like it normally does
I was more mellow
I could think clearly
I stopped smoking it because of the tests they were to be doing
I called the lab yesterday to get the results and found out the lab canceled the testing
I know for fact there’s still blood in my urine as well as other things
I can see it
I can smell it
Something isn’t right
And with my heart rate increasingly high again, it makes me nervous

I can’t go just yet
My son needs me a few more years
Then, I can
Just let me make it 7 to 10 more years then I can go
I hope when I go, someone prints my entries out and hands them to my kids
My older entries are all on paper books from age 9 and up
Yes I have them all back from the early 1980
I haven’t read/scanned through them in a long time
It brings back painful memories I can’t handle right now
It would push me to my grave in a second
Sadly
There’s only one therapist in my life I let read them
She read them all in a weekend trying to understand and help me
I know I’m a mess

I have the urge to cry and cut at the moment
My urge to cut is increasing by the day
Not certain to why or what’s behind it

I’m going to pause here
Grab some coffee
And yes, more than likely grab the razor
Not the smith and Wesson knife like last time
The razor hits deeper right away
A nice clean slice
It will bleed instantly
I will get a slight tingling from it
I will get a sensation of satisfaction for some reason
I know why I used to slice daily in the past but for some reason I’m not certain as to why I need it now
Do I seriously hate myself that much? Or is it to feel something other than I’m feeling.....in other words, feel the physical not mental? I’ve always said, it’s better to have physical abuse then mental abuse.

I’m seriously slipping into a dark grasp at the moment
The urge is so overwhelming
Like the razor is calling to me
The image in my mind no matter what I try to think of
That beautiful handle, shinny, how the sound snaps when you open in ito place, how you can change the blade like I change coffee cups daily. It’s only flaw, the handle is gold, not pink. However, I’ve been looking at a beautiful pink razor online, just waiting to order it. I was given money for my birthday on cards, and I spent it on others for Christmas gifts, because I wanted to give them something because I care and love them. One, has never even sent me a card in the year we have been talking. The other, is my family, not just best friend. I haven’t chatted much at all for awhile and I’m sure he feels like his love is one sided, it’s not. He is my family. He is cared for deeply and thought of daily. The only thing different, between his thoughts and mine, I don’t see the sexual side he sees.....or seen.....I can to an extent, but not in the same aspect. I don’t have that attraction. I’m not sure I have that attraction for anyone right now....but one person.....and that one person will never know. He doesn’t exactly care how I’m doing.


One sec....phone call.....I will come back to that thought if I can later......

Ok..... that one person, doesn’t care how I’m doing.....or if he does, he never shows me or tells me, and when he does rarely say it, once in 6 months, I don’t believe him. We used to talk daily. I miss it. I miss him, but I’ve stopped talking to him. I still send cards in the mail on rare occasions, but that’s it. I don’t Snapchat him daily anymore nor message him. I pushed back. I had hinted at my feelings for him months ago, he one day outa the blue in April, said I love you, but he was high as fuck. I know, somewhere deep in there, he has thoughts and feelings for me, but it’s a sexual thing. And yeah, it is mutual, but my love is deeper than that. Reality, it just wouldn’t work. 13 years difference. He’s also, more of a party man, getting high, etc, and I don’t want to be that way.
(Sigh)

Anyway,
I’m fighting the urges right now, fighting my thoughts right now.
I need a break.
I will try later to jot down why I’m unhappy with myself.
Try to do a positive and negative list. I already know, the one list will out weigh by miles.

So, till then.....hardcore diablo 3 here I come.....if I die, I start completely over, lose everything.....it’s a chance, a thrill, skill, kinda like real life, only difference, in real life, if you physically die, you don’t come back to try again, but if you look at it in a mental aspect....you can die mentally, and start over.....and hope it’s better the second time.

Till then....
“Yes my Lord”


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