Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2020-11-30 17:53:04 (UTC)

An awkward conversation with someone I met on Bumble

Dear stranger,

Sometimes, I am waiting for that moment where I totally breakdown and I come here for the comfort of letting this explosion go... That moment when I come here and I'm not saying that I'm studying/doing homework... To the point where I am here to explode and pour my heart out... while I am crying and having a breakdown... I am waiting for that moment.

At the moment, I am video chatting with the guy, Ricky, who friended me through Snapchat which he got from Bumble... The guy who low-key kinda bored me... Yup. Still talking to him. Except, now I am actually using my voice while he can see my face. I kept saying weird shit though. Gosh. It's been a while since I've talked to people. So embarrassing. So we are literally just video chatting and neither of us are talking- so awkward and then I am over here typing in my fucken diary. Before, Ricky and I were singing and honestly, he gave me Michael vibes- I think I might block him but I'm going to give him a chance though... He just looks like a fuck boy and he's a little hot- he tells me he wants something serious... but I could see him leaving me.

Today, I realized that I made two mistakes at work and my friend (who didn't know I made the mistakes at the time) told me, "Can you believe that someone did that?" She thought that it was the girl whom she hates that made the mistakes and she wanted to talk shit. I seriously texted her, "That was me, punk." She was like, "Ohh I'm sorry." I got worried that I might get fired for it (it wasn't a big mistake- very minor- I sent the wrong information to two students- only them- trust me, I checked them all.) Kristen was trying to scare me and tell me that I was going to get fired. I told her I wasn't worried about it since what happened already happened and I couldn't do anything to change it at that point. We are all human and we all make mistakes. I messaged my boss and she reassured me that I wouldn't be getting fired for the mistakes I made, just to be more careful about what I send out to students- which I told her that I was reflecting on and will learn from them. I own up to my mistakes, and I am not going to take it too personally- like I said, it already happened, all I can really do at this point is to learn from my mistakes and do better in the future.

Right now, talking to Ricky I told him something really fucked up. And in a way, I feel really bad since he seemed really sensitive about the topic. I told him about a conversation that I had with Kristen of when I asked her, "Kristen, if you were pregnant and found out that your child had a really bad disorder, like severe down syndrome and the doctors told you that you had the option of having the baby or aborting it- what would you do?" His face changed and his face was twitching- I was like, "Are you sensitive about this topic?" He told me no and I told him what we said. She and I said that we would abort the baby- we both didn't want that responsibility and we didn't want one of our offspring to be living in this world having to struggle due to their disability- kinda like ending their suffering before they were even born. Kristen later asked, "What if the baby was already born and that's when you found out they had this severe condition?" We both said we'd give it up for adoption. Ricky was clearly irritated by what I said... gosh, I felt so bad. I thought I could talk to him about fucked up things... but I guess I couldn't. I am still video chatting with him, neither of us are talking and it's so fucken uncomfortable. I want to hang up, but I have so much fucken trouble saying goodbye to people- gosh, darn my ability to not say bye first. You know what... I am going to do it right now and finish this darn entry and submit it for all my readers to read. He told me that those were fucked up questions... I know they are fucked up questions and Kristen and I are close enough to talk about fucked up things- we were totally cool with it and understood each other. Gosh, I just ended the call with Ricky... it was so awkward!!!! I said, "It's getting late- I've got to go to sleep. And... sorry about the stuff I said with the questions and all, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He just told me, "Nah, don't even trip about it." That was the most judged I've felt in my life due to stating my opinion of what I would do in a certain situation. For those of you who get but hurt over what I just said like Ricky was, don't even bother sending me a hate message- I won't answer it. If you'd have the defective baby, that's your choice and body- please respect my choice and body. This is my diary and I will say everything honestly how I see it.

Lately, I have been feeling this huge amount of anxiety and I am not sure why... I have an idea- probably the things that I have to do. I'm going to write the things that I have to do just to relieve my stress about it. Ahhh, so much better! I hope this semester ends nicely. I am just going to focus on finishing my last assignments just so I am not rushing through it because I want to study for my graduate school entrance exams.

Gosh, that video chat towards the end with Ricky was really intense. I sent him a text after I ended the call with him to let him know that I understand if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore- if he wants to text me, text me, if you don't, don't text me- please don't feel pressured to text me. I understand. Yup, that's what I told him. Damn, look at me being an adult about this hahaha. He messaged back... He said he didn't realize he was sensitive to the topic- yikes. I really triggered him. Of course, I sent a very understanding message- I think we are good now. That was so awkward though. My face was turning red and I was very nervous- I thought I could talk to him about fucked up things like that- I guess not.

Today, I ate a burger (Nathan made it), oatmeal, Nutella, and mucho agua (Spanish for a lot of water). Ate pretty good today I suppose! Well, that's all I have to say today.

From yours truly,
Karma Rose
P.S. Also, Nathan told me that he sent a drunk email to one of his favorite Youtubers and it was fucken hilarious. Just so you know, my brothers are very misogynistic and this is why they like Dick so much. Here's the link so you can hear the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B11UIZUk9ds&ab_channel=TheDickShow I felt so much second-hand embarrassment for my brother lmao.




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