༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-11-30 23:45:16 (UTC)

Fighting

It’s Monday night, 1045 pm here
I’m in bed
Crying
Over medicated
Still can’t sleep
So much going through my mind
I’m ready to pop
Literally
I’m wanting to self harm
Been fighting the rude all day simply because my last self harm break is still bleeding and it’s been 2 weeks

Yesterday, he got up, he swears he waved good morning, it was dark, I didn’t see a thing, so he grabbed his coffee,goes to the room,and games.
I slept on the sofa off and on all day, wondering what the hell I did this time.
The day passes, finally, I come in here after he left to grab a shower, as he came in, I asked what did I do this time, he right away jumps down my throat telling me I was in one of my moods and didn’t say good morning.

Now, mind you, after knowing me 9 months, he should know, when I get super silent, it’s not a good thing, so why let it go all day? And I had to ask so I could try and fix whatever I did, but instead, when I said, you never heard me say good morning, he storms off swearing I never said a word, but, mad or not, I say good morning, and I love you......he can’t and doesn’t.

So, today rolls in....
3am, after the ordeal yesterday, I still get up, make him lunch and fresh coffee, he comes out, I say good morning, he doesn’t respond, so I say good morning again louder and let him know I said it twice because he didn’t hear me I’m guessing the first time, (just like yesterday) and he goes to leave, not saying anything, so I said I love you too and shut the screen door and locked it. Come in and he is ringing the doorbell non stop, knowing I have a kid sleeping. So after a few minutes, I grab his lunch he left and threw it outside to him, and told him he can speak to me through the door. I so called lied to him about a can of spray paint......all this anger over a can of spray paint.
Well, he left, left his lunch outside, came in, removed him off my PlayStation, Instagram, Facebook, and loaded the diablo 3, hardcore mode, and started a new toon.

He then calls, and he apologized even after he got to work, however, the hurt is done.

Tonight, somehow, the topic of my rape came up, so I cried, and he made the comment, we moved too fast, he is moving back to Madison, and will come up for a day on the weekend like he used to.

Mind you, nothing hit till a few minutes ago...
I’m in bed, crying.....too much going through my mind....
He reaches over.....he wants to get his dick wet.....takes 6 minutes....he’s sleeping....
Mind you, he normally says my name during....not this time.....it was like he was not sure what to say....

Before he came up this way, we had more issues, different issues......his trust issues were driving me away. He was always arguing or picking a fight with me.
That stopped because he can see I’m not talking to anyone.....

(Deep sigh and crying)

8 months.....8 months......2 months of talking every day via phone before meeting. Then met, 5 months of seeing each other in person.....then one month here.....

Um, ok......
Go back to Madison. Don’t get pissy with me. He knows I removed him off my Facebook and everything else....he wasn’t happy about it....
But I’m tired of being hurt.

Now, I feel like this is just a vindictive game to him.
My gut tells me, there’s someone else.
Even after I spent 170$ on his new boots for work and gave them to him early.....
His Christmas is under the tree, Stacy Adams fedora and shoes, another 300$ sitting there, plus more loot.
Why I feel so stupid right now.

I’m wanting to cut....
I will tomorrow. Just not my arm...
I will go back to my hip. I do less damage there. Not saying I haven’t needed stitches there, I have, but not as life threatening. The last one was a spur of the moment thing....I prayed to get the strength not to, but, something over powered and I did it.

I’m going to have a smoke, pop some more pills, after he just coughed all over my arm.....twice.....and cry myself to sleep.

DD3, will call you Tuesday, 10am my time.


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