Eel

Decibels

going into the bathroom and screaming silently, but in my head, it felt like my ears were ringing.
my teeth are always sore. my neck is always loose. my back is always unsettled.
and i was riding my high horse telling muki that sometimes people need to end their suffering.
but what good is wisdom if you can't learn from it?

love. wisdom. purpose. i struggle with all three.
to know is to not know and to live is to die.
steph took an acid tab and he was saying miraculous things while his thoughts veered into space.
when i've taken acid i have never had that effect. maybe because of the weed. maybe i forget,
and my brilliant ideas are sucked helplessly into an abyss of distant, forgotten neurons.
or in a synapse where electric dreams come to die. and i can't help but think the nicotine has enhanced my dreams.
how dangerous, oh, how dangerous. paired with a bad habit of taking things too lightly.
perhaps i put less value in my life that i thought.

but the control.
the other day, doing pushups, names came into my head.
my values were soaked in red.
rage. anger. injustice.
because i wasn't good enough for people to choose me.
i wasn't good enough for people to love me.
but now i have muki, and my heart beats slower,
fuller.

deep breaths.
and i've come to love the exhale more than the inhale.
if i could continuously exhale for the rest of my life, i would.
exhale all the bullshit.
and what is it with my inability to stay away from technology?
maybe nursing wasn't for me. maybe i should've done computer science.
i can always go back. the fuck.
wow, maybe i should. lmao. but computer science is saturated in chicago. it's annoying to think of my constant possibilities.
it's annoying to think of anything nowadays. memorial really fucked me with this contract. i have to pay it in full and take out a loan that will allow me to make more feasible payments. fuck memorial. and fuck abby too. and fuck charla.

i'm tired of letting forces control me. maybe i am too passive. maybe i have to start being assertive.
maybe then.