at 38 you have a pretty good idea of who you are at the core, even if you pretend you're more virtuous. and things just start snowballing in the wrong direction. before you know it your social elasticity consists of exactly 2 people whomst you keep in very clearly marked compartments. and emotion is kept at an opposite end. but it alll flows from a single source. this entire time it's been a singular fucking energy(?) fear. learned fear. avoiding fear. avoiding. genetically enlarged fear glands? mostly just afraid. it's the whole having a disease that takes a little bit more every day, sure. but it's so much more. sometimes i think I'm the only one who notices the things and ways about mom that i do. part of the story is missing. it all makes my brother's stake, that much more. how does he do it. he figured out something in the madness i never could. i underestimated him like i do. anyways. with the idea of meeting someone all but abandoned, maybe him and i, could we form a connection in our later life? don't know that it's possible, from my end.
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