My So-Called Life
Ad 2:
2020-11-26 17:40:06 (UTC)

#FML Part 3

I spoke with the German last night and he doesn't know what he wants. He tried twisting things around on me and now we are basically on a break (insert eye roll) which is what he wanted ( I didn't) but in his mind he is doing this for me so I have time to think. I don't need time to think and this has honestly just pissed me off more than anything else. He thinks in 3 or 4 days I will have changed my mind and be 100% with him and be happy. Nope. I would still feel the way I do now and still worry about the future. What he doesn't understand is, to me this is him pushing away and for that any trust I did have in him... its gone. To me this is a break up for good. I'm hurting now ( I blame myself for that), but I won't let him dictate how I am feeling or supposed to feel. Funny thing is, he said I should believe only him and not what others say or think but he just proved them all right. I even deleted the app him and I met on because he was jealous, that someone else might message me. I deleted all my dating apps actually. For him. I poured my heart out and told the truth which for me is always the best policy because I never regret my choices that way. But I do regret telling him about the readings though I know if I didn't I would just be prolonging the pain. I felt like I was holding a ticking time bomb and I know it was the tight thing for me.
I can't even look at my photo album on my phone because I know there are about 20 photos there of him and if I look, like really choose one and look at him, I'll cry. Silly, I know. But I can't help it.
(Gotta go try and be productive for a little while. I am sure I will come back to this at some point today)