my secret life
A new life again
Sometimes I wonder why my life is a constant cycle of ups and downs i know that there is a reason for it all but hwy cant life just be one big problem then happy endings after or atleast not aas bad as mines like honestly I know it is bad to complain but honestly from a scale of 1-10 why do my problems have to always be a 10 or 100? Im annoyed and honestly im numb to it all and honestly i really put it up to god but i am so serious that i dont wanna stop yet.I know december is near and they might be going to the Phillipppines soon but I swear to you i just feel like I can still do this all i really need are my documents and I know forsure thats the start of me being financially independent.What is hard though I am not gonna lie is looking for a place to stay and ofcourse money.Somehow I always think of going back because of the fact that its just so hard to be financially independent and it really does distract me from my studies.Im not gonna lie i really thought hey i know it will be hard but i didnt think it was gonna take this long like seriously its almost 3 months of me being away and I still honestly dont havwe a job.Im reallly itching and I just know in myself I can do it like seriously I just need my documents and a place to live temporarily and I know it will all be okay like I dont wanna go back yet because i really really still do wanna save up money and buy me things ive always wanted.It really isnt because i wanna show my mom that i can do it its more so that I just have my own goals and I know it can be selfish but I just dont wanna stop till i get what i want and i know i deserve it.My life really is full of problems conclusions then problems and conclusions again.Sometimes i really wonder what in the world did i do to deserve this like there are more people who are worse than me but atleast they are accepted.Everytime i really do try to get better its just hard.Especially when you really dont know who your friends and family are.Even my laptop is borrowed and what is the most scary is the fact that my future is unstable really scares me but until the end of december i really got to do everything it takes because lets just say God really wants me to leave and ofcourse I cant do anything about it atleast i am doing evrything without regrets.I am not giving up and I will not fail on my studies or career I dont wanna be scared but having no money in a world that revolves around that is scary.So I really do hope and pray that everything will realy work out soon and that people can really see the intentions of my heart and know that I am a good person like I know I am....Im a good person who has flaws but dont i deserve to be loved and be acceptede the way I am no matter what? Kinda feel unwanted sometimes and that if i do go down no one really will pick me up so I have to have myself and really focus but i know damn well i cant do this by myself.I really dont know what will happen and everyday I pray my life will be better but in the end its in Gods hands and as much as i dont wanna worry about my life its just really hard to go through this at 18.At this point I really worry about my sanity because how can you not be worried about what other people think of you.Honestly people always say i am stubborn and that I may be very bitchy rude or whatever you say it and I know my experience in the past doesnt have any escuse of how i act like in the present but i grew up in a household that was very manipulative particularly towards me and i had to build a system in my head that allowed me to be happy even when everytime you go home only negative words and opinions are said about you.Why dont i listen to others and why do i get so mad sensitive and defensive? because of the household i grew up in.Thats the only way i could have ever survived there mentally happy or stable.It was very toxic people do not know everything that i went through but if they only knew and understood the reasons why im acting so guarded. All my life i have always tried to not be weak and always have that self belief maybe thats why in the outside world its kinda hard to understand me because the environment im always in always degrades me. I know im not the only one with this life but imagine living with that everyday.Anyways im really past that but I really wonder how much more challenges I have to go through like why cant life just be sweet? Im always always trying to fix myself and i really wonder how much i have to go through. I just wanna be happy and succcesful. I just really hope i stay grounded to the things that are important because i swear my heart has nothing but pure intentions and i am a good person who strives for everything thats love and happiness.Please lord God please i pray to you, please make everything work out soon in my life,studies,friends,self, and everything else.