Mystic Eve

Innerspace
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2020-11-26 10:08:42 (UTC)

Thanksgiving thoughts

Hello again Dark Abyss, (I may name you...simply calling you dark abyss is starting to feel cruel...... a name is more personal. More to come on that thought)
Today is Thanksgiving, a national holiday for my country. A day for giving thanks for our bounty and land we thrive on, among many many other things. I am grateful for everything I have, and remind myself of that daily....however this year I am most thankful for my health. I work in healthcare and COVID has been difficult, not only for me but for everyone I work with and around. Most of us feel like it is only a matter of WHEN we'll get sick rather than IF. Due to that mentality, we try to put plans in place to take care of things if we suddenly get pulled from work or home and worse case scenario....never get to go back to either. I also feel healthcare workers feel the seriousness of the pandemic much more than those who work outside of the walls of any medical center. We care about people and have a deep need to take care of others...usually before taking care of ourselves. Due to this we don't really have a choice but be thrown head first into the front lines. Some argue there is a choice...we choose to work in healthcare, but....it's more complicated than that. For those of us who have deep compassion, the guilt would tear us apart if we choose to walk away from caring for others when we have the skills and ability. Many others do not. So...yes, I suppose there really is a choice, but not for me.
I feel like I'm droning on and on...blah blah blah, work is hard, stressful and yes I definitely have days I wish I was on quarantine.....but who am I kidding. I would still be directing via phone, email, zoom, etc. Which brings me to another thankful thought. I have a job...I haven't lost my job due to COVID where thousands upon thousands have. I haven't been in the position to worry about how my bills will get paid, or how I'm going to scrape together enough to fill my gas tank, or eat. (I have been in that situation...but not for a very long time. Living like that taught me I hated that feeling and vowed to climb out of that hole and never look back....but I digress. There will be time to tell those stories)
Also...If I was quarantined, the hubs would be as well. He works for the same company I do...live in the same space etc. I would loose all precious alone time. I have very little now as it is....but quarantine would mean zero time for myself. That would wear me down and break me quicker than the stress I feel at work on a daily basis. (My chat "friends" would never recover!)
I have to work later today...and I'm hoping everyone in my community is staying home or with those in their bubbles feasting and watching football. I'm feeling a bit raw and vulnerable today...which isn't something I like...not even a little. I'm hoping having an anonymous outlet to write down my rambling and scattered thoughts will help, because there is so much more to write about. So many secrets....
Until later,
-Eve


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