My Secret Thoughts
The Harshness of Other People And of Ourselves
Today, I had only two appointments for work and no appointments tomorrow- yay! They didn't have me help them sign up for classes which is very difficult now since most classes are now full- like sorry kid, I can't magically make classes available for you to take. Next time, be more responsible and hopefully, this doesn't happen again. Oh- how I wish I could just tell them that sometimes! Can you tell I'm tired? Because I am being such a B.I.T.C.H. even with my best friend Kristen. Gosh, look at me making excuses for being such a bitch. This is my journal, so I get to say whatever the fuck I want!
Group therapy today was interesting, but not too overwhelming. The first person who talked brought up how they felt this love and hate relationship with their mom. How her mom treats her like crap and used to beat her (which she still holds a grudge about). Lately, I've been talking more during these sessions giving my two cents to their situation. For her, I first told her about how my own mom would be a fucken bitch to me for months, and I would just tell myself that it was temporary, and yes, she did change. So just having that hope that the person who is treating you like crap could possibly change was something I did to not take it too seriously and not hold them to their actions- mainly applied to my family since family is forever there. She got defensive over what I said and she, unfortunately, stumbled over her words. I never said what the crappy people did was right- of course it's wrong. It's just placing that new mindset to it that can make us feel just a little better- I'm guessing it wasn't going to help. After, we talked more about the topic and I started thinking about the relationship that I had with my father. I told them this: My dad used to beat me a lot and I remember worrying that people would notice the bald spots on my head so I never kept my hair up (I always have my hair up now by the way- just so you know). At one point, I didn't cry after he beat me because I was so numb inside that I didn't really feel it anymore. My father got hospitalized and he started getting really religious- after he got over his illness and finally came home, he stopped beating us. He changed. Now there's this awkward atmosphere with us every now and then, but he still says crap to me about how I look fat (which I am not), how I have a flat ass (first, ewww, why is my father checking his daughter out?) and how fucked up my nose looks (which it doesn't even look that weird- everyone's nose is unique)- crap like that- you get the point. At some point, you become desensitized by the words thrown at you and they don't have that much of an affect on you. Even though my father never apologized to me, I can tell he is sorry. It's the hope that one day they'll change that will make us be able to move forward from the harshness they are showing us. This just applies to family and certain people in my life where I know what they say is stuff that they don't really mean. Other people, I feel like it just depends on the circumstances that are involved- don't ever take anything too seriously.
The next point, was about anger and how it can be difficult for people to show it. I just said that I had a lot of respect for those that can hold their anger in. Whatever emotion I am feeling, I am showing it- regardless of how ugly it seems. Sometimes, I cry like a lunatic in front of my family- I don't even tell them why I am crying, I just say that I was reading a sad book lol. With anger though, I lash out at people hard core. The female therapist asked when anger felt good and when it felt bad. I just said that it feels good when I know I'm right and I'm being a smart-ass about it. It feels like crap when I know I'm wrong and I'm just yelling/screaming like a lunatic at that point. Gosh, me and my emotions. Yes, I am that person who is screaming on the phone with customer service for giving me the wrong order- I only do this if they don't give me a refund/replacement- so basically, if they don't do what I want them to do, then I get real pissed- yup, I am a bit of a control freak- Dr. Tim says that it's because I didn't have control over the things that happened in my childhood- yeah, let's stick with that lmao. I am either being super passive aggressive or I'm cursing and yelling then crying... a lot- yup, that's me.
The next point was about how someone's parent is basically metaphorically suffocating them. She was crying and basically, having a breakdown in front of everyone. It was so intense. I just thought in my head "now, she needs to see one of these therapists in private cuz she's realllly breaking down." But nah, the other group members were counseling her! They were saying how strong she was and that everything she was feeling was valid. I didn't even know what to say- cuz she was so vague about what was going on. I am so proud of my group members for being able to respond to that- I was so mind blown by how well-spoken everyone was and I even told them that. I told them that I felt like I could never be as well-spoken as they were and it's only something I wish for- ahhh my insecurities showing. Everyone was like- nope, you are very well spoken Karma. LMAO. They're all so sweet. Sometimes, my words suck though- but I guess I'm just human at the end of the day.
That was basically it. FUCK, I forgot to reschedule with Dr. Tim- crap. He isn't going to be here next semester because he has some research thing to do which means he won't be able to be my therapist. This could be the last meeting I have with him. Honestly, I'm scared to start therapy with a new therapist- I'm thinking about doing it with the female therapist since all the other women felt comfortable still talking to her and she kind of knows my situation. Still though- this is someone new who I will have to bare my heart to and it was so hard to tell Dr. Tim about what I went though- how could I ever tell someone else?! Whelp. I suppose we will find out soon.
Today, I bought things for my kitten (Oreo), went to TJ Max where I got a lap desk (I am using it right now and I am so loving my purchase!) and a makeup bag (it was so adorable!), and went to Costco for groceries. I felt so nervous driving and there were so many cars! Ugh. That's why I try to leave during the middle of the week because I assume that it's not going to be as busy as the weekends- but no, I was wrong. It was still so fucken busy! I video called with Kristen and I thought in my head, "Gosh, this is going to be awkward. But someone has to do something in this friendship." I called her and we just talked like normal. When I was in a store, I video called her again and told her how I've noticed that people have been looking at me. Like, I showered this morning, I don't think I looked that dirty. I was like, "Is there something wrong with my face?" Nope. I just looked like a pale ghost with squinty looking eyes- gosh, how I hate it when people look at me. Like stop looking at me! I hate it! Look somewhere else, just not at me! I know I have a sexy looking face but everyone needs to chill and mind their own business! LMAO as if I'd ever be considered sexy- ugh, I am getting off track.
I ate eggs with hot dogs, a pizza, a pizza hot pocket, a little ice cream and a little candy- yikes, still eating crap. Whelp. I'll try harder tomorrow. Not a lot of water unfortunately- sadness.
That's all I have to say! Until tomorrow!
From yours truly,
P.S. If you made a mistake, you're human and shouldn't be too harsh on yourself for that mistake.
Also, in case any of you are curious, I do not hate Caden for what he did to me; I obviously don't like him as a friend anymore either. I just couldn't have that negativity in my life anymore. I had to have self-respect for myself- I didn't want to do that stuff anymore, so I had to cut things off with him to make it stop. Also, he had feelings for me and they weren't being reciprocated, it would have been crappy of me to lead him on like that. It was the best for both of us. Sure it fucked me up a little, but I don't blame him for that- it was just the idea that a lot of men in my life just wanted to have sex with me (that's it) and I couldn't tell who didn't and who did- they all just looked like they wanted my body. (A lot of people have asked me to have sex with them. I have had guys who I have fallen for who made me believe that we could have dated, once they got in my pants, they left and nothing happened (a story for another time- I promise I will tell it this weekend).