Blue

Do What You Fear
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2020-11-25 14:17:48 (UTC)

End of quarter life crisis?

Saturday

We are having a party right now, four hours into the party, and I am avoiding the party. I got beer and I napped and got dressed and now I am just drinking a beer alone in my room. To tell the truth, I just don't really want to go to the freaking party. I can hear everyone screaming and shitty music playing. Mostly everyone invited friends. There are just too many randoms to talk to, like two hundred people here. I feel too socially anxious. This beer tastes like shit. I see what people mean about some beer being shit.

The stoner kid is having this emotional rant to Canada, like people rant to her all the time, and I'm pretty sure I heard them saying something about me, or at least something they didn't want me to hear or see. Canada said, "I just don't want her to walk out." And the stoner said, "She's probably downstairs." Yeah, they aren't really my friends. Although I don't take it that personally because they are the kind of people who talk shit sometimes about people they genuinely like and are even like best friends with. It just kind of makes me feel more down on them and consequently down on this house.

Because I often hear people say they heard things about me. Like, "Oh I heard you're good at board games. I heard people appreciate what you have to say in meetings. I heard you speak French." (I don't speak French lol, I just listened to two French podcasts.) These are all generally nice or neutral things. But you kind of expect that people say one or two bad things. I guess that is life, or at least life living in a community.

Anyway I guess I do tend to avoid social situations I'm not excited about unless someone is relying on me to be there. So next time we have a party, I'll volunteer to help set up or invite some people I know or something. I need to accept that I don't really like parties. They stress me out. And honestly I think I can find friendships in this flat apart from Canada, the stoner kid, Alice's ex, and Elsa and whoever else Canada is hooking up with at the time. Already, I have become friends with the Japanese girl.

What is the point of going to this party if I don't have friends going and I don't need to help out and most importantly, I don't want to go? And it sounds so easy to just be like, "I only went for like a second, I just wasn't really in the mood. I'm just not really a party person all the time." And all the other introverts will only relate to me more.

And despite missing this party, I feel like I'm finally coming to the end of my quarter life crisis, including my social crisis. Last year, I wrote an entry called something like, "Alone in the darkness." I felt like a loser for missing the party. Now I just don't really give a shit. And I am socializing more than I was then overall and my confidence has gone up. I am getting a job and not caring what people think about it, and also starting to know myself more. I don't need to be like anyone else. We are all quirky individuals. One day though, I will go to a real party. This particular party, though, I was not ever looking forward to even for a second, so I'm not even sad to miss it.

If I'm honest, I kind of actually genuinely want to fuck Alice's ex even though he's such a slut. He made this kind of terrible sexual joke about me yesterday and I was like, "what the fuck" but I couldn't help actually being into it. People here are so sexually open that the thought of everyone knowing all the details of my sexual relationship with him, if it ever happened, doesn't bother me anymore. Because everyone would know, they just would. I just don't care. I don't care if people know I'm attracted to him or that I'm bisexual or that I sometimes avoid parties and am weird. I don't need to hide these things anymore.

It's funny, I had a nap earlier while the party began, and sometimes I find it easier to sleep when a party is going on. It reminds me of my childhood. As a child I lived in this housing complex and our neighbours threw outdoor parties right outside my window. I fell asleep to the sound of them partying all the time. I find it kind of comforting now. That was my favourite place I ever lived because I had so many good friends there and I think it explains why I am so drawn to communities now. See, I really feel like I have worked through a lot of my issues from childhood at this point in my life. And I recognize my own value, and am getting better and better at talking to people as I get older.

Man I'm weird, though, that I'm actually enjoying this party just sitting in my room listening to the music and everyone talking and no one in the world even knowing exactly where I am right now. It feels like freedom. I also have talked to a lot of new people already this week. And in a week, no one will ever mention this party again.

But seriously, next time there is a party, I'm just going to volunteer to help out beforehand. Otherwise I will never go to a party and just enjoy myself.

Monday

I might ask Alice's ex to give me a tattoo, for the following reasons: 1. I want to have sex with him. 2. He has given other people tattoos for free. 3. His tattoos look good. Anyway, I figure that realistically this will probably give us a chance to be alone together and for him to touch me a little, which will probably lead to us bonding more, plus I will get a cool free tattoo. I keep daydreaming about him and I'm pretty sure I just have a crush on him, which is annoying, but kind of good seeing as he is single. I better act fast or I think he'll end up in a relationship with someone else. I can't see us having a monogamous relationship really, but whatever.

Wednesday

It's weird how all our lives are so different at age twenty-four. People from high school are married, people I went to uni with are junior lawyers progressing in their firm or working long hours at jobs they hate. And people I live with now, I think most of our lives revolve around this flat. And some people just can't do that. So they leave.

The stoner kid just announced he is leaving in two weeks, which is bringing me down. I don't even really like him living here honestly, but it still sucks. It feels like every single person in this house is leaving.

And I have never had so many crushes and strong feelings about people in the space of one year. I fall asleep at night thinking about Eddie and wake up thinking about Alice's ex (who I should give a different name to). Alice's ex does definitely flirt with me pretty intensely sometimes, but he kind of does the same thing to Elsa and probably most girls who are receptive to it. But then again, why does that matter?

I have started to work slowly on writing fiction again, so am going to go do that.


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