SunFlower

SunnyRain
2020-11-23 02:10:11 (UTC)

Respond Point

Dearest Diary,
Sorry... I'm not feeling quit myself today, but you know, I'm beautiful, strong, and independent. I'll come out of this fine, just like always... right?
I don't know how long it's been. Ten year maybe? I use to cheer myself up in the mirror, saying things like 'just hold on a bit longer', 'you've made it this far', 'you're strong and independent', 'tears make you too ugly, so smile, smile'. That use to work so why...
I longed for the day I would graduated high school and could move out and go to college. I love my family, but for some reason, I longed to be away. Dreaming of better days, but you can't trade family for blissful dreams.
College. It is... how to describe it? Freeing? Hopeful? Even if I had things to be stressed about, it felt like a breeze. Have you ever worked out for a few hours and then just collapsed on the couch? A feeling of weightlessness and rest washing over you? That's what college was like for me.
I thought it would be fine but... why is it so painful when I go home now? I should be use to it. My voice only audible to me. The sexual harassment from my older sister. The constant mockery from my younger siblings. The cold shoulder from my mother. I could always handle it before so why? Why does it hurt so much..? Why do I keep wishing for a respond point? Why is wanting to open the car door to get out of an unpleasant situation my first thought? I thought I was pass this... I thought I was strong enough. I thought I wouldn't need to hide these hateful tears. I thought I would be able to stand up for myself. I thought I was beautiful, strong, and independent so why do I feel so small? It hurts... It really hurts.
And diary, the worse part, is I can only tell you. I've made the mistake before of telling my family and friends of these thoughts, but the disgusted look on my friends faces and the laughter from the gossip spread to all my relatives is too much for me to bare.
Even my dad, who I know would hear me out without judgement in a heartbeat, I can not trouble with this. He's working so hard every day at the hospital, and even when he doesn't have work, he is dealing with bitter souls who have no one else to blame but the health care workers. Besides, tomorrow is his birthday. I want him to have a good day. I want to smile and congratulate him.
So I can handle this on my own. Even if it hurts or causes me to stumble, even if I'm not beautiful, not strong, and long to have someone to depend on, I know I'll be okay because I'm not small. I can hide my tears and I can fool anyone with my bright little smile. I've been doing it this long, right? I'm going to face it head on because I know that at least once in every ones life, they are wishing for a respond point but to choose to persist.
Thanks for listening,
-SunFlower




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