S Kisanov

Ad 2:
2020-11-21 22:54:00 (UTC)

Immeasurable happiness that exists somewhere apart

"Tell me, why is it that even when we are enjoying, for instance, music, a beautiful evening, or a conversation with agreeable people, it all seems to be rather a hint of immeasurable happiness existing somewhere apart, rather than genuine happiness, such, I mean, as we ourselves can really possess?"

"Скажите, отчего, даже когда мы наслаждаемся, например, музыкой, хорошим вечером, разговором с симпатическими людьми, отчего все это кажется скорее намеком на какое-то безмерное, где-то существующее счастие, чем действительным счастием, то есть таким, которым мы сами обладаем?"


I really don't like the question "are you ok"? I think that a man like me, with all sincerity and honesty, with a burning ego that rises expectations, cannot say that I am ok. I am not ok and, probably, until my ego is dead, will never be. To some extent, the statement "I am not ok" is a definition of a conscious man. If a man is ok, probably that man is either gave up on his fight for a better life or that man is dead. For the same reason, how to have a chance to possess that, mentioned above, happiness if everything is more a hint rather than something actual, something solid?

Today a group of young, well-dressed men were hiding behind the corner of the wall, waiting for someone. One held a happy birthday card. I passed them and saw a man and a young lady, both well dressed, going towards the hiding gang. They suddenly appeared, surprised her and started to hug.

Three days ago, when going home after a pub night, when searching for the right bus stop, I saw a girl who looked at me, looked me in my eyes and smiled. I looked at her too, quickly, to maintain expected politeness and not to stare. But she didn't look away and gave a solid 8 seconds smiling eye to eye contact. I don't expect it to happen. My resting bitch face, my coldness and seriousness rarely attract smiles. Smiling girl and those boys, isn't it that immeasurable happiness existing somewhere apart but which you can sense from time to time, that reminds you that there is still a reason to continue searching. Despite pessimism and despite not being ok.