Just another diary
So I think I've found a root issue. A core thing, if you will, that is fucking me up.
It's a kind of mauerbauertraurigkeit mixed with cognitive dissonance and developing feelings that I don't want. And also the fear of losing those close to me.
Ironic part is that I also want to push people away because I don't want to burden them with my troubles (even though I know I won't be a burden when doing that). So I'm effectively locking myself between telling my friends everything and risking to lose them, and pushing them away with the same result. It's... a complicated cocktail of emotions and feelings.
How do I get rid of this?