A Death Sentence
When I finally decided to see a psychiatrist I told him about it and how scared I was. I was hoping she'd tell me I'm fine, I'm not bi polar, I just need to be medicated for depression and anxiety. He held my hand as I called to set up my first appointment. The day of my appointment came and I was off but he was at work. I took the call in the vet parking lot as my emotional support dog, Buddy, got his updated vaccines. I was shaking as I talked to her, I'm sure she could hear it in my voice too. Towards the end of our call I asked her what she thought, and she said I'm going to be put on medication for bi polar disorder. It felt like a death sentence. I had no idea if this would affect my relationship with my boyfriend, family, friends, and that scared me.
When people hear bi polar they think, "crazy" "psycho" "reckless" "dangerous", and when I'm manic yes, I might act a little crazy but nothing like they think. But what they forget is, "confused" "lonely" "scared" "sad" "unmotivated" "tired". They only see you as manic, not for what it really is or what it really feels like.
I told my boyfriend how it went and what happened. I asked him if it changed anything and he said, "I'll stand by you through it all". When I tell you I cried, I mean I ugly cried for a solid thirty minutes.
Have you ever met someone who didn't see your flaws as flaws? Someone who truly saw you as the person you are versus who you think you are? That's him. He is my daily dose of truth in all the lies I've been told about myself. I got lucky. I have an amazing boyfriend, family, friends, and support system. And for those reading, if you don't have those things, I'll be that for you.
With much love in my heart,