༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-11-20 08:33:28 (UTC)

Twilight zone

Finally got to my messages.

He called.
Wanted me to promise to not do anything today.
I couldn’t promise.

Let me explain.

I’m flooded with questions
I’m flooded with comments
I’m flooded with thoughts
So much floods my mind
However
When I try to actually speak.....
Literally speak.....
I can’t.
That voice, takes over. Reminds me why to keep my mouth shut. Just nod. Say what they want to hear. Say the bear minimum.
Or else....
You’re going to say or feel something wrong again to set someone off and we all know that will lead to another blade or worse.
Self punishment.

What’s weird
I don’t understand why I hear so much negativity. Why it bothers me.
They aren’t saying anything new I don’t already know.
I can list more shitty things about me than they can.
Trust me.

I’m struggling to see any positives right now.

I want to talk.
I want to voice my thoughts.
My fears.
My anger.
My hurt.

But I can’t.
Not to someone I know.
They will pass judgment.
They will say how hurt or upset or whatever and it will set me back.

I need a person who’s not emotionally attached.
I need someone to help me through this muck, that, personally, I believe, will erase me.

I thought I was ok, just struggling, till a few days ago. Then last night, I knew, what I need to do.
I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t keep hurting people I truly love and care for.
All I hear is the negativity. What I’m doing or saying wrong.
I seem to not have the ability to change the way they need me to be.

I need to break again.

I’m so calus right now, I can’t laugh, smile, or even cry a tear. I’m like stone. I stare off like twilight zone and all the words are flooding my mind like a scrolling billboard sign.


Brb


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