c4tz0rz

Ramblings of a Cathy
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2020-11-19 22:21:24 (UTC)

They Say I'm Poison, What's the Difference...

Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if I wasn't married.
But that's just my ego. It's kind of like the "grass is greener" cognitive bias human beings have. Being married always makes you a little more closed off to things, which causes you to feel more like you're the shit than you are. LOL. Meanwhile, being "single married" makes me realize how much I've stopped taking care of myself due to the fallacy that I'm a sex-god regardless of how little I work out, or don't give a shit about what I eat.
Sometimes my feelings of shame are so bad that I remind myself how much I'm destroying myself every day. "You eat like shit." "You're gonna die one day because you never gave a shit", "You don't deserve to pay money to do your hair/nails/dress nice because you are fat/are ugly/are not going to be respected anyway..."
The constant narrative in my head.
"Do more, schedule more, smile more, care more".
Perfectionism comes from shame and anxiety. Shame is perpetuated by parent feedback and messages from throughout your lifespan that reinforce that feedback.
"You're crazy." That was my mother's main one was. (although I know she had her traumas before her, and was doing the best she could. And did a damn good job of it too).
Every time I strayed from the usual, I was crazy. Every time I got angry, I was crazy.
And then the mean kids in my middle school - which was a public school in the ghetto side of Florida, which is far different from the preppy formal schools I went to in New York City - would say the same things. And then for a long time after that I was coping with the fact that, maybe I AM crazy.
So it wasn't weird when I would lose friendships because of not genuinely connecting with people (why would I be myself enough in front of people I actually wanted to like me if they're only going to find out that I'm crazy...)
The shame also led me to miss out on very important moments, or career opportunities. The time I laughed and walked away from the CEO guy that wanted to make me Clinical Director of the company I was entry-level working as a Community Therapist for; the other time I - as an intern - started showing up chronically late after being offered a post-graduate position as the main Shelter Therapist for the biggest dependency shelter in Broward; the times I'd call out from big obligations I've made with important people.
I would also find my shame reinforced by the men I chose, who were in turn very influenced by patriarchal standards of women and sex.
To top that off, I'm also a Black Dominican woman who has twisted and tempered herself to accommodate very white standards and norms.
Put all that in a heap and sprinkle it with the erosive sheen of generational anxiety and mild poverty. Oh, and Catholicism... the shame of liking sex, my curiosities around liking women and different people...
AND my father, although ever present and reliable, RARELY talked to me.
BOOM! You got Me! :)
Aside from an eating disorder and persistent anxiety, I'm feeling good!
#2020Baby!


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