Mimi

All that is
Ad 2:
2020-11-19 13:44:13 (UTC)

Boundary enforcement

I just had a call with Chuy after seeing the message he posted on our WhatsApp group. his message read:

"I leave the game with an undefeated record, and love for (my name) who was always telling me to lay off (nmx). "

This was in reference to the fact that he was alwasy trolling nmx. Incidentally, nmx and i had a thing it wasn't public knowledge at least as far as i know, and i would sometimes tell chuy to lay off nmx, like it wasn't funny. so the message didn't sit right with me.
I saw it at first and didn't think much of it. then i felt kinda like hang on, he's takin the piss. then i thought nah leave it, its not that deep. then i started paying attention to how i was feeling. and that feeling of my boundaries being crossed started creeping in, where the question of whether or not i was gonan let it slide (which in trueness was just another way of avoiding confrontation like i do), or wehther i was gonna confront him. so i decided to do the uncomfortable thing and confront him. besides it was over the phone so i could write down what i needed to say and read it back lol.

This was what i wrote down to say:

Why did you think that it would be ok to drop my name in that comment you made on our whatsapp group?

I’m easy-going about a lot of things but I do have a very strong SENSE for when my boundary has been crossed or when it feels like it’s close to being crossed. And for me, THAT comment was skirting my boundary.

HIM: it was a joke

ME: I appreciate you may have said it with some lightheartedness but I didn’t find it funny, and you should never feel like you can drop my name and carry on. But even so. This isn’t a conversation about your particular style humour or whether or not what you said was a joke. This is a conversation where I’m telling you that something you’ve said has made me uncomfortable. So EITHER you tell me you’ve heard me and it won’t happen again. Or you can gas light me and deflect. And we’ll both know where we stand with each other.

OR

Please never feel that it’s ok for you to casually drop my name in your trash talk or banter in future, because I won’t find it funny.

Chuy I like you. And I respect you. And I like to think that’s mutual. So I hope this won’t come between us.

Great, that’s the spirit. Have a nice day. Bye.

Hang up.

This was how the actual conversation went:

I called him and made some small talk for the first 30 seconds then i begain:

ME: "Why did you think that it would be ok to drop my name in that comment you made on our WhatsApp group?"

HIM: oh that was just teasing, cos you were always telling me to lay off him..it was just banter... i'm sorry i didn't mean to..."

ME: I’m easy-going about a lot of things but I do have a very strong SENSE for when my boundary has been crossed or when it feels like it’s close to being crossed. And for me, THAT comment was skirting my boundary. I appreciate you may have said it with some lightheartedness but I didn’t find it funny.

HIM: Apologised some more.

ME: Apology accepted. Just please never feel that it’s ok for you to casually drop my name in your trash talk or banter in future, because I won’t find it funny. What you'll get is a phone call from me, and it won't be nice. Chuy I like you. And I respect you. And I like to think that’s mutual.

HIM: Thanks for calling to clear the air...blah blah blah.

ME: Great, that’s the spirit. Have a nice day. Bye.

Hang up.

It seems like nothing, but given the fact that im used to 'chesting it' and eventually compartmentalising it into the part of my mind where i harbour slights and upset and hurt to snide or shady comments that should be long-forgotten. but because i know i allowed them to get past me, i can't seem to let them go. and every time i let another one past me, it triggers that part of my mind and literally bugs me for days. to start undoing that, i need to get more at ease with tackling in the moment confrotnations. Doing so today gave me a good feeling. What could have been another case of me harbouring ill, can now be forgotten. The guy knows not to do it again.


Ad:2