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Dear Diary - Monday 16th November
onday 16th November
Weight - 109.1kg
Calories - 3,898
BMI - 46.6
I had a.... I don't know what to call it, sad and okay day. I woke up feeling not right, just feeling daze and foggy.
I had my meds, and sat outside smoking. Staff still sit with me for 15 mins, making sure I'm still taking my medications. I felt sad, don't know why. I got voices screaming, "FAT SLUB", "FAT PIG", "FUCKING SLUT, YOU'RE A FUCK UP, NO ONE LIKE YOU, YOU DIRTY BITCH".
I did a really bad thing. I told a lie and kept lying for the last 6 years. I told mum and Amanda that I hear voices telling me to slit the kids throats and I kept going with that lie. I'm so ashamed of myself.
We had a family meeting last Friday. It went ok I guess, I mean my sister was hurt really bad and so my mum. I hurt them really bad. And I feel sorry about that. Mum said that I was blank, show no emotion. I didn't want to cry, so I just listened to them. When I sit here now, I tried to remember how it went, but I cant remember. I dont think I understood of what's happening, but I do know that I've hurt them really bad. But I can still get to see my boys and they will be coming here in my home on next
Saturday 21st Nov. I'm gonna do origami and make pancakes with the boys. Mum will be here as well and my staff.
I made pancakes. Made 5 big fat pancakes and I ran out of strawberry jam so I have to have butter on it. I stuff my face like there's no tomorrow, I didn't take a breath in between bites, I just kept on eating and eating till I'm so sickly full. I felt guilty after I ate the pancakes. I felt really bad. I had a voice telling me off, "Kirsty, no more, you are naughty, no more pancakes", "Stop eating and then you'll get skinny, you must listen to me and obey me cos if you eat again, you'll be fat for the rest of your life". I told her that I must eat at least one meal a day cos otherwise I wont be able to see my boys. "Ok one meal a day... you can have yoghurt and blueberries, that can be your one meal a day".
I'm gonna have Yoplait forme zero no added sugar strawberry yoghurt 125g - 50 calories and blueberries 15g - 9 calories for lunch tomorrow. No breakfast, no dinner.
I went to see mum today. It went good especially after that family meeting. She's still hurt and she may forgive me but never forget. I had coffee and we chat and hang
out. Then we went to cheap as chip for wrapping paper and then I came home. It was good to see mum.