2020-11-15 23:04:50 (UTC)

Mush Brain

I....*sigh* I think...I don't know what to think.
I need to write. Blake just left to go get some Sprite so we can have a drink together. My therapist (yes I got a therapist now) said alcohol kind of exacerbates the issue.
My brain...my thoughts just aren't straight.
I noticed that I was off at work a little bit but not enough to notice anything. I started doing that thing where I can't think of words. Really simple words. For example, I couldn't think of the name of the pizza screens or the baking sheets. It sucks. You know?

It kinda started after work. Blake had a lot to say to me. He said we weren't spending enough time together or something along those lines. When I told him, I had to get up early for my fitness thing, he kinda blew up a bit. I think it was supposed to be a joke but he brought up all the stuff I wasn't doing to lose weight. It felt like he was making jabs at me. Making fun of me. He said I "ate everything." and didn't have a routine working out and I wasn't trying and things like that. I haven't really talked to him much since then. Very few words. I'm lying, telling him that I'm alright. I'm not.

Hearing him say that makes me question my own confience in this program. I've spent to much money on so many thing. I thought this was the way to lose weight and things like that. You know? I don't know if I'll be able to do it. A few days ago int hat office, I felt a bit of hope. Not a whole lot though. And now I'm wondering if I can do it at all. I'm feeling really emotional about it but I don't want to tell him about it. It'll make him feel bad.

I'm feeling conflicted. Like...why try? But also I spent all that money already. I think I'm going to go cry for a little while. Might help.