All that is
Just finished chanting. My mind kept wandering. Thinking of people who’d hurt me, bcky at work, tby obviously, what I might do to them or say to them
Or about them if the opportunity presented itself. I’m def not at a stage where I’ve forgiven them. Or probs myself for that matter cos Whenever I think of examples of when I’ve allowed my boundaries to be crossed or have allowed my fear of confrontation or slowness to think of comebacks on the spot get the better of me, I think of those people. And it annoys me, given the fact that now I feel like a slightly different person than I was then, more confident more quick more grounded in myself and I WISH This version of me could go back to those instances and do it again. I never want to be that person again. Yes I will strive to be love, but love for myself is what I’ll radiate and sometimes that means putting people in their place when they test your boundaries. It’s also triggering because I feel like people do test my boundaries a lot. I don’t know whether I give off a victim vibe or something but it’s like they know I might be easy picking and the ones with sociopathic tendencies come and test their theory. I think becaus I dislike confrontation and am always afraid of what a person could say about me, for a long time I’ve relied on the good or compassionate nature of people as my defence strategy. I just appeal to their “goodness” abs hope they won’t bite me. But it’s doesn’t work. It leaves me open to people who have darker intentions. I’m cultivating a form of interacting now where offence isn’t necessarily my strategy but rather confidence and taking up space. When you project that first and foremost people are more likely to think twice before they try their bs.
Today I really want to make progress on the site. I may have to take photos of my tablets and send to Pph so that they can start making mock ups. I think that’s what I’ll focus on today. Taking stock of all the photos i need. I must also contact olnrewju for a photo shoot of some sort.
I am grateful for making these discoveries. Some of my experiences were hurtful and trauma-inducing, yet in retrospect, i sometimes feel grateful for the privilege of experiencing them early on so that I may realise the depths and fullness of my mind and my emotions. Deep purples and bright yellows. That I may be led onto this path of self-awareness and self-commitment. I’m grateful for the opportunity to create my own marathon and participate in it. I’m still the child but now with a parent she is amazing. I commit to realising more of her every day.
We are incredible for going this far.
We are self-aware for doing this We are developing self-mastery by doing this We strive for discipline by following through on this
We have a dynamic and creative mind
We are curious and intelligent and are constantly forming connections between learnings and experiences
We are becoming more at peace with each other
She (child) and I (parent) will continue to make progress in working together.