All that is
Marathon day 5
Yooo I had a dream about tby again. This time he was living with his gf the one in the red dress. And as the dream progressed it turns out they had gotten married. Trying to assess how I felt about it in the dream, I’d say a little surprised but still composed. For some reason I was in their business like I think I was their neighbour or room mate or something and I found myself in their apartment. The girl was really lovely. Sweet, soft, caring. There came a time in the dream when it was clear that the girl didn’t know him like she thought she did and she started asking me question. it seemed like it was about to starting going downwards. This pleased me, not cos of wanted to see her sad but cos of I was happy this girl who he was with was finally seeing him for who he truly was.
But maybe that’s a faulty assumption “who he truly was” everyone is lots of different things at once. A villain to you is a hero or angel to someone else. And though it’s painful to think of, the guy who treated you like shit and was emotionally abusive, could go right on to treat another woman like a queen. And this is a hard pill to swallow because one of the things i told myself when deciding to “move on” from is is that it’s him not me. He’s damaged and emotionally inept and a narcissist. He would ruin any relationship he tried to embark on. So to see him (whether in my dream or in real life) with another girl is hurtful. The other day hezza came over and told me that tby went to London to see his gf. And I played dumb and enquired about who the girl was and after a series of questions it turns out it was the same girl in the red dress. They’re still together. And apparently Tby wants to “marry her soon”. Apparently anything he wants she gives him “if he wants ice cream she will give him” is how Hezza’s “informant” put it. I’m annoyed cos I didn’t really wanna know about that tbh. And since finding out he’s been on my mind more. It’s a hard pill to swallow that the guy who wounded you is probably going to be married to this girl soon. Why does he get to have a happily ever after? It just isn’t fair. He called me a few weeks ago. Around mid-night. It rang for like 4-5 seconds then hung up. I didn’t answer. It was not a name just a number but I had a strong feeling that it was him. So I checked his whatsapp chats and it was. Why was he calling. So strange. He has a girlfriend now so why did he call? Part of me has a strong feeling that he still thinks of me. Probably not in the way I’d like to imagine he does, since he called me at fucking mid-night. But i believe he thinks of me. And then a huge part of me probably knows that he was just “poking” he wanted to play. Throw me some crumbs to see it I’d catch them and start texting him again so that he could ice me. For what. He enjoyed that. I validated him sooo much it’s unreal.
At least now I won’t be in shock when I hear news of his getting married. Part of me - no a big part of me wants his relationship to crash and burn. I want him to hurt. I want him to have some debilitating injury that will leave him incapacitated and humiliated and feeling like half a man for the rest of his life. I want my pound of flesh. Obvs I still have some ways to go in terms of healing, accepting, letting go of the hurt and even forgiving him. Jff asked me the other day, “it seems that tby has been able to live inside your head rent-free. Why?” And this is true. Even tho he’s not around anymore he’s been living in my head rent free occupying space in my mind. It needs to stop. I think part of the reason has been my own doing. The fact that as much as I’ve shut him out, at the odd moments of weakness and I’ve found a way to find out little nuggets of info about his life. And because I know certain things it makes it hard not to want to know what’s next. So because I knew he was with this girl, i felt like I “needed” to know whether they were still together. Then after finding out they’re still together I “need” to know whether they’re gonna get married. And after that i need to know... it just goes on. I wish I had never found out he was with a girl. I wish he’d never brought that girl to the “viewing” I had with him. That’s where it all started.
Gee that was not an easy one to journal but glad it’s out.
Had another dream that I went to NB SDA church after having not been for ages. We were late as usual and the service had already started. I went in to sit down in the “young people’s” bit and as I walked in I found there were no chairs left. As I saw there were no chairs I also realised i had outgrown that section, so I had turned around and found a seat in the adults section. It was awkward as usual as I searched for an empty enough row and then sat down. It felt the same, that self consciousness, that feeling of being judged, or chastised cos of being late, that feeling of being odd or different. But it’s stuck me that there‘s no reason for me to feel that way. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was just looking for my seat. And the members in the congregation didn’t look bothered or annoyed. All those feelings of inadequacy, self consciousness and judgement were coming from within me. Jordan Peterson said that you should Ake the things that you most fear. Don’t leave them unnamable. Because if you can’t name them then the fear has already won. And also your imagination of what you fear is almost always worse than the reality.
Woke up early today,m. I’m happy about that. My intentions are energy, focus, facing challenges, calm.
Writing about my tby dream was a challenge of sort so, there.