feeling content in my lot - insecure anxious anti-capitalist with dueling sentiments of foundational shame/capitalist-nurtured mental illness and the struggle against that. gaining strength from a mostly intact personal integrity and an a realization of the suppressed truths of our capitalist system and it's many flaws. chris hedges videos before bed again.
additional re-realization - it is when i attempt to integrate into the system, interact socially, but with these Big City Ideas off table, because the main people in my life atm can't handle the big truths. Folks can't even call out Ford for lying and abandoning us, they can't see it(?) It's not like our electricity rates were slightly too high or whatever the fuck Wynne did. He's just letting us die. ehm. It just drains the life out of me having to put in the work of capitalist acceptable human interaction. I get stuck in it out of some strange guilt or force of, obligation? It flares my symptoms, burns me out. aka the opposite of how i felt at the outset of this entry.
shit, sorry for the caps. and eternally sorry for the grammar overall.
i have a thing tomorrow, this wasn't supposed to be a whole thing rn.
an ambulance has stopped outside my window, beaming in it's red and blue strobes.