2020-11-12 15:57:22 (UTC)

update on Bad Feelings(tm)

November 12, 2020 Thursday 2:57 PM

I've finally figured out that I feel pretty bad—that or I've known that I felt bad the whole time and I have the memory of a brain-damaged fish. Yesterday, I took stock of my situation and that stock indicated that I was experiencing a wee bit of depression. Emptiness, fatigue, inability to concentrate, some weird urge to hurt myself (this is stupid, but recently I've been gripping my mug of hot tea until it hurts bad enough that I make a noise. It never really leaves any sort of injury, but provides a vague catharsis. I haven't thought about why I'm doing it—maybe I feel like I deserve it. Maybe it reminds me that I'm a person. Maybe I'm hoping I can eventually hurt myself badly enough that someone notices?), self-isolatory behavior, loss of interest in things (piano, cooking, writing, listening to music, etc.), anxiety (not visceral, but instead the cycle of surfacing memories that I can't seem to control), trouble sleeping, and general pain all the time.

I really do feel fine, but all of this stuff gathered indicates a larger issue. I am always confused by the varied presentation that comes forth. Because remember when I kept having those episodes where I'd end up crying all day and sort of twitching in bed??? And remember when I made myself vomit because I was crying so much??? That was only, like, two months ago. But I also remember last fall, when everything felt more like how it feels now, with the emptiness and fatigue and self-isolation.

Oh, yeah. I've felt sensitive to noise and interaction, so I've been mostly keeping to myself this week. Because this week appears to be the culmination of whatever was growing in me last week. Anyway, I've mostly avoided leaving my room and I've avoided cooking by ordering take-out, which I consume in my room, and I've avoided thought by binging Avatar. Oh wow, I've been depressed, lol. Did I know that? I can't remember if I knew that. I knew something was up, because something is always up—it's just a matter if it's the good kind (like I had a couple weeks ago, where I was all creative and stuff), the anxious kind (the previously mentioned crying thing), or this.

I tried to play piano just now and for the first time in awhile, I stopped practicing 1.5 songs in, lol. My lower back was hurting too much and I couldn't focus. I'm actually exhausted. I went to the doctor yesterday to see what was up with my body pain and all that, and she gave me some sleeping pills and also sent me to a clinic to take a blood test. The sleeping pills are an SSRI, and I am vaguely concerned it will interact badly with the SSRI I am already taking, but I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow so I will ask her then. I feel a little nervous at the prospect of telling her I'm doing mildly bad because I always feel like a liar. Like I said, I feel totally fine. Just tired and empty-ish. Maybe I'm just sleep-deprived.

When they took my blood yesterday, I was so excited. The needle hurt for a moment going in, but I like that sort of pain because it feels deep and then it dissipates. At first, I didn't like watching the blood pour into the tube, but then I couldn't take my eyes away, because it was loose like water and very, very red. She took three tubes from me, which I have to think was like a quarter pint or something? Not too bad. I didn't feel bad at all, and I didn't bruise (which was, I will note, disappointing). The gauze on my arm didn't even have any blood on it when I took it off. The only marks I still have are from the masking tape used to keep the gauze on. I keep thinking about the way the blood came out. I texted Maria and told her about the blood, and she said, "What? Are you okay?" and I said, "Blood test. What did you think?" and she said, "The worst, obviously," and I didn't like the way that made me feel excited. Anyway, she said, "I'm always afraid you will fall into the sea," which made me laugh.

I actually cooked last night. It took an absurdly long time, because it was acorn squash lasagna and I had to cook both the squash and the lasagna for like an hour each. The oven was at 400 degrees and when I was reaching in to pull out the sheet pan with the squash, I accidentally touched the rack with the back of my right hand. And then for the next hour or so, I watched the evolution of the burn, from where it continued to burn inside my skin long after the heat source was gone. It initially looked like a piece of thin plastic on top of my skin. Then it reddened and spread and pulsed. When the pulse was ebbing, I pressed it lightly against my hot tea mug to remember the hurt, reintroduce some heat into the system. Eventually the red receded into a patch, which has by now reduced to a sort of purple-gray, and still stretches oddly when I move my thumb. But if I rub it, it barely hurts, and I really wanted it to hurt. I think I would've wanted it to hurt no matter my mood, though.

I feel less of an urge to isolate. I was able to actually enjoy chatting with my roommates today, lol. But now I want to be alone again and I think I'm going to lie down. I wonder if my sleepiness is from the sleeping pills, because if so, I do not like it. Sooo yeah, I'm doing okay. A little meh, but I've felt worse, so this is okay. I hope I can enjoy music again soon, and that I stop feeling so tired. That is all.

PS: oh, I meant to say—I used my accommodations for spanish class, and I'm really glad I did because I feel like actual shit. I was worried about doing so, but I figure if I'm going to miss class anyway to a myriad of symptoms that really, really look like depression, I might as well use the accommodations that are supposed to help me cope with a mood disorder while also attending school haha.

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