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2020-11-12 11:10:31 (UTC)

Marathon day 4

The carpenter just left. i need a table to work from and i need the mirror to be replaced. he's the one who did the mirror and less than a month after it's cracked. I feel at a loss so naturally im nervous because i know i'll have to make a case and he'll push back on it. Before he came i realised i was not looking forward to his visit because i don't enjoy the negotiating process. i always feel like i'll come out worse and i;m always left with this feeling of being taken advantage of and my boundaries being tested. But i think i handled today's negotiation well. i did well. I knew how i wanted it to go what i wanted to focus on. i started by talking about the table and had a very friendly demeanor about me. I think he thought i was going to lay it on him for taking so long to answer my calls, and was probably gonna push for him to pay for the mirror. but i didn't mention the mirror once until he brought it up after we talked about the table. by the time he brought up the mirror we'd alrady kind of settled on a price for the table so the mirror was like an addition. he pointed it out himself, saying is this the mirror you were talking about? We settled on 15k for the table and 10k for the mirror. i still feel i shoudnt have paid anything for the mirror. which means i may have to shift out of left field him when he delivers everything. What it's showed me is that planning helps. even if it's just thinking about how a conversation is going to go. in the past i would have just allowed him to come and the convo would take whatever course. But because i already knew what i

i'm looking forward ot working out this evening.
I didn't read yesterday - actually went to bed super late. like around 4am. i was on the phone with chba for a couple hours and felt pumped afterwards. i think i was also riding off the high of having done an IG live video my first one. he complimented me on doing it well said he couldn't tell it was my first. I appreciated it.

he also said he found the birthday card i wrote him for his bday back in january this year. apparently he never opened it at the time he put it in a bag and just forgot. he said he found it amongst his things as he moved into his new house. he thanked me for the card and said it was such a thoughtful message. he read it out loud to me - it truly was a thoughtful message from me.

'Happy birthday to the realest person i know.
your journey over the past year is inspiring to me and i can't wait to see where it carries you.
Enjoy your day.
Lots of love....'

It made me feel good that i made him feel good. we ended up talking for 2 hours where he shared stories about people he's dated over the past yeear. we poked fun and we laughed. it was nice. made me wonder, as i always do with him, whether there's still something there worth exploring. we get on really well, i feel so comfortable around him, and him wtih me... . but i always meet him again and then after one interaction i see something that makes me remember why it just wouldn't work and some of the reasons why i ended it with him in the first place. i know a lot of women are after him - he's a catch, really. but i also wonder whether that's part of his appeal for me. that i don't want another woman to come and be with someone who i could have been with onyl for me to realise that he's been the one for me all along. i don't kow whether i'm ready for him to be the one that got away. then again, am i only speaking like this because i;ve been alone for so long now. i've not had a steady realtionship or bf since him and that was end of 2018 start of 2019, and i've not had sex with anyone since january 2020. my vagina is purely for peeing and periods these days. i feel like im ready for it. im ready to meet the person i would build my life with.

Hezza showed up in my dream again - i can't rememeber the particulars but i know he made an appearance.

i've sent my intentions today as wanting to expand this feeling of progress i've felt since donig this IG vid. I want to feel joy and accomplishment all over my body, physically. i want to feel my confidence grow in my self-awareness.

I didn't go to bed early last night and i didn't read. but i didn't beat myself up because I know that i can slip up. i'll just continue where i left off. it doesn't change the progress i've made this week.

Daily devotional

I am grateful for making these discoveries. Some of my experiences were hurtful and trauma-inducing, yet in retrospect, i sometimes feel grateful for the privilege of experiencing them early on so that I may realise the depths and fullness of my mind and my emotions. Contorted shadows and hot white lights. Deep purples and bright yellows. That I may be led onto this path of self-awareness and self-commitment. I’m grateful for the opportunity to create my own marathon and participate in it. I’m still the child but now I’m running with a parent. A phoenix. She surrounds me and lives inside me. I commit to realising more of her every day.

We are incredible for going this far. 

We are self-aware for doing this
We are developing self-mastery by doing this
We strive for discipline by following through on this

We have a dynamic and creative mind

We are curious and intelligent and are constantly forming connections between things and experiences

We are becoming more at peace with each other
She (child) and I (parent) will continue to make progress in working together.