Madisondegraaf20

Life of a High Schooler
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2020-11-11 00:00:00 (UTC)

“Suicide Attempt”

So my little step-sister who is 12 “tried to kill herself.” The reason what I put the quote-unquote because she didn’t actually attempt suicide. About two weeks ago her mom sent her to a mental hospital because of what I’m about to talk about.
About 2 and half weeks ago my sister decided to go to one of the ponds in our development. She walked into the pond and put her head under the water for like 30 seconds, and then resurfaced and did it again. She then walked home soaking wet and just sat outside the house. The parents found her and they asked her why she was wet and she said she tried to kill herself. Now before people get mad at me and say how insensitive I am and how I probably don’t understand what she’s going through and what not. Here’s where I’m coming from, barely a year ago I was in the hospital for 24 hours getting pills pumped outta my system. I was on the edge of death. They didn’t think I would’ve survived the night. Then my sister goes and puts her head under water and says she tried killing herself. No that isn’t a suicide attempt. She was in my room the other night and randomly went “I wonder what it’s like to die.” I looked at her and said “It’s not worth it, you’ll regret it. It’s terrifying.” She just stared at me like i was stupid and said “Madi I almost died in the pond. I almost drowned.” She was in waist high water, like dude no you didn’t “almost drown.” I used to do it all the time when I was younger. Just because you do something and think about killing yourself, DOES NOT mean you attempted suicide. I attempted suicide. I almost actually died. She told ME that I didn’t “almost die” and that I was fine. They literally had the shock things next to me because my heart would stop occasionally, and my heart beat would become a murmur, I would stop breathing. I almost died, not her. I don’t fucking care if this sounds insensitive, it’s the truth. She just pisses me off so much. She keeps telling me that my life isn’t that bad, I’m not depressed, I don’t have anxiety, I’m just over reacting. I’ve been rejected by my dad, my family, and my friends, my dad abused me and my brother, my mom neglected me, my grandparents always told me I was a disappointment I was worthless and yelled at me, I was bullied for my entire life, I was sexually harassed by my own brother and friends, home has never been safe to me, everyone tells me how stupid I am and how I’m a mistake, and people use me. I’m not trying to be “woe is me” kinda thing I’m just saying what I’ve been through. That’s what my life is like. Her life she went through her mom neglecting her and being harassed by her best friend, but that was the worst things that happened to her, she told me herself. I get yelled at for everything I do, I get told by my step-family how I’m a disappointment, a mistake, stupid, worthless, dramatic, and everything. My older brother does it too. I coped with all of it with my vape and alcohol but I don’t have access to that stuff anymore because they found that stuff in my system a year ago. That’s how my parents found out. If I’m being honest I’ve been itching for a drink or a hit, ANYTHING. I can’t handle this anymore. I want to get that numbness again. Fuck I NEED it. I can’t handle this pain anymore. I can tell my mom I’m depressed but she’ll just walk away from me, she only cares until it gets to the point I’m suicidal. But it shouldn’t have to get that bad in order for her to actually help me get help. She didn’t give two shits until she read my journal and saw I wanted to kill myself in 6th grade, or when I texted my friend I was gonna die and she told my mom, or when she came to wake me up and I was unresponsive. It has to get extreme in order for her to notice that I’m not alright. I’m just so fucking done.


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