All that is
Ad 2:
2020-11-10 06:51:46 (UTC)

Parenting inner child day 3

Thank god for a good start to the day.
I am grateful for this discovery. I am grateful for the experiences painful as some may be, that have led me down this path of self awareness and self commitment. I am grateful for the opportunity to create my own marathon out of the desire to realise and actualise myself, and for the opportunity to participate in it.

"Your thoughts are energetic vibrational ‘places’ that you ‘visit’ and dwell in. That is why you need to choose the mood of your thoughts wisely."

I dreamt that I was in some sort of workplace. As usual there was someone I fancied though I can’t put w face to him. I mucked around a little bit and even tho some other parts of my work was brilliant, the person evaluating my mark only saw the glaringly poor parts and as a result gave me a poor performance review and I was going to fav what’s her penalties. Until one person who was also working in the office on the same team as teachers evaluator started sharing their own more positive option of me outl loud . She said that my marks on those other things were actually glowing and I did a really great job for her on this other thing. The lead evaluatior listened to her and then said, ok I’ll give another chance and then I promised to raise my marks in the other sections. You could say this means that I feel although there’s a part of me that knows in my heart that brilliant, I sometimes have a hard time actioning that and expressing that, and will sometimes do things that end up sabotaging that and colouring people’s perception of my brilliance and capabilities. I wonder whether the girl who was kind and spoke about my positive qualities was pointing at how often in my life in order to get where I am I’ve benefitted from one person who sees the light and brilliance in me and decides to take me under their wing and root for my cause and defend me and my character to other people. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing - it could be a good thing - could be that I should feel assured that no matter how poorly I may be perceived by others or I may perceive myself, the truth of my brilliance will always prevails, and there’s someone who always notices that truth and that talent. But perhaps I should work harder to be that someone - who can express her brilliance and influence perception in her own behalf through her own actions, not just through someone else vouching for me.

I also dreamt that I was at Abi’s house and we were having some kind of socila gathering. I think sandrine was there and so was Tom but he didn’t look like Tom he looked like someone else. But I’m assuming it was Tom because he gave me those vibes. We chilled and I saw as helping with somethings. Next thing you know I’m leaving and I forget to say bye to Abi and feel guilty so I think I go back or I tell Tom to say bye for me. Lately I have felt ambivalent about our friendship esp since hearing what she told me adsu said about me. I know she did it from a kind place but my reaction was to go inward and put my guard up. I don’t like that I shoot the messenger sometimes. Even tho I didn’t shoot her but I transferred some of the negative emotion I experienced into her an our friendship. I also get the feeling that she feels it from me too. I really value her as a friend though but it feels like our friendship recently is taking on a different tone probably cos we don’t work In the same place so don’t see each other everyday anymore. But I want to nurture our friendship.

I think one way I could do this is by leaning in. Leaning on her more. She’s a nurturer and an Empath and that’s how she expresses her own care - kinda like me. When someone shows vulnerability to me it makes me feel closer to them or view them in a softer light. The problem is I have an issue with being vulnerable. I don’t trust people easily. Part of me feels like they’d be happy if someone unfair happened to me. So I keep those walls up as I don’t want to give anyone reason to rejoice over my misfortune. That thinking totally comes from a low frequency place obviously and a place of fear. I should invite her round before she moves from the city.