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2020-11-09 03:42:10 (UTC)

Too much is still too much

It took me a bit to realize that I was in a foul mood and there’s been things eating at me again. I mean the ghost hunt was a blast and about the only bright center to the universe of late. I’m just going to let my head go and find out what comes out since it’s something and to be honest I can’t get a track to get there myself.

The election is over. I had some hope that I wouldn’t have to see it anymore because to be honest it was getting to piss me off when that’s all I see no matter what. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t care who won at this point in the game. Just shut up about it already. I mean every goddess damn post that I see and even have been sent is all the election as if that is the only thing to happen in the world. Not to mention strangely enough there’s nothing being said about Covid. I mean if there is, it’s miniscule and I’m not surprised. Oh, election. No more Covid for the moment. If I was being completely honest, I didn’t give a damn about either one of them. One evil is exactly the same as the other. Why? Because honestly things won’t change. It’s more of the same just with another, new name. Neither party have the People’s interests at heart. They just enjoy barking at each other. It’s the same pettiness that happened in 2016 but now reverse it. Oh yeah. That’s really bringing folks together. Either way it’s the same shit, new shiny box. And people wonder why I have basically given up as far as politics go. Hell, I remember watching long time friendships ending over the election in 2016. Rinse and repeat and here we are in 2020 doing the same thing all over again. Before worrying about who’s running the country maybe we should start acting like adults ourselves. We might actually be able to clean things up then. Until then, well status quo is status quo.

Guys, honestly, if you’re looking for a hooker, go find one. Not all of us are going to swoon to your supposedly magic penis. Trust me. When I’m getting serial killer vibes from a guy who’s first message is “come cuddle with me” I’m out. I passed because uh yeah sure Ted Bundy I’ll get right on that. What in the name of all hells makes guys think this is REMOTELY OKAY?! I mean ffs what is that? No. Not all of us want something “casual” or to have you try to convince us that we want to sleep with you because it will be good for us. Not all of us are just going to jump into bed with you. Not to mention guys, it’s okay, it really is to say you like fishing without having to SHOW us a picture of a fish in your pictures. We get it. Most of us can read. Instead of impressing girls you must be shopping for guys because you HAVE to have the obligatory fish picture. Okay I gotta say this too. Guys DO NOT put pictures of your kids up. You can mention them, be proud of them, BUT STOP putting up their ages. STOP putting pictures of them up on your DATING profile. As a mother that completely FREAKS me out. At the end of the day it is still the internet and you have no idea who is looking at those. Just don’t do it guys. I applaud you for being proud of your kids and wanting to show them off but take one moment and THINK about that idea. I mean me personally; I wouldn’t mind if a guy had kids. I would insist though on not meeting them unless we were something serious. It’s just how I feel and that would be I wouldn’t want to get attached or vice versa if nothing were to come of it. My kids are grown. I can only think of how I would feel if they were younger and I had them and having to date. I wouldn’t want guys coming in and out of their lives unless it was something serious. Going back though, I’ve made a promise to myself that I’m not sleeping with anyone unless I’m in a relationship. Period. Done. Apparently, that makes me a bitch and undatable in this day and age. It’s how I feel though. Guys hate to break it to you; your penis isn’t magical. We don’t swoon over it. I don’t need you to “feel good” or anything else you can cook up to try to get between my legs. Some of us have gotten over that. Not all of us want to bed hop. Not all of us want to pretend to be your girlfriend while you’re playing with five others. Maybe. Just maybe you guys are the ones that need to grow up.

So, I publicly announced how I felt to him and what did I get in return? That’s right the silent treatment. Finally, after nearly a week I get a meme. Surprise, not really. Now I just go about what I’m doing. I’ll wager a guess that you didn’t like me doing that so openly. Did you have to deal with the others that you have led on? Truth be told I knew I wasn’t the only one. That’s not how that works. There’s usually a few that are clinging on to some kind of hope that you would pick them. I don’t need you hun, I wanted you. Thanks for clearing things up that you’re just like the ones that I find from time to time. Good to know. Just so you know, I keep surviving. That’s who I am. I can do it with or without you.

I gave you a break once because of what happened, but that doesn’t absolve you of keeping up with what’s due. If you don’t like that then you can always find somewhere else to be. No one’s holding you here. It will suck for me, but honestly when you don’t pay it drags me down even further. I rely on that, but I guess I shouldn’t. I don’t know what’s changed through the years, but I do have a long memory. I do want to say thank you though. You’ve shown me what it would have been like if I had made different choices with my life a few years ago. I’m now prouder of the person I have become since then now that I’ve seen what I could have been. I’m all the better for what I did for myself.

I’ve thrown myself into work again and I’m realizing that once more I’m shutting the world out because if I was truly honest, I’m getting tired of all the ugly I’ve seen. There are still the lingering effects of what had been said to me that is causing me to second guess the visit. The more that I’ve said it to other women most have come to where I was that had set off the bad part of my brain. You expect perfect 10 every moment so let me say I haven’t been one since well my teens. Trust me when I say that I’m comfortable with who I am and that’s a large step from the years of mental abuse that I’ve taken. Especially when it has always surrounded my looks and kept going into my 40’s. My daughters remind me and now my son as well that this is my time. I’m doing for me. And if you don’t want to hang out simply because I’m not some image you have in mind, then fuck off. I honestly will go but I don’t have to see you more than a courteous dinner and leave it at that. You asked if I felt you were shallow, actually I had to think about that. Yes, yes, I certainly do. After what you said to me, yes you are. Especially when you reoiled with spitting that at me when I mentioned how what you said bothered me. I had to stop for a moment and when I thought about it, yes, I do. I do think you’re that shallow. Because if you’re expecting me to look the 9’s the entire time, I got news for you dear, better be in a 3-piece as well from the time you roll out of bed. Else, stfu. It’s that simple.

It’s actually felt good to get this all out there. I needed that. I didn’t expect it to be this long but there it is. I took in too much again and I knew eventually I had to get the poison out. In this time of transition one thing that is coming clearer to me, March means a lot of changes. The question that some should be asking themselves is are they going to be one of those changes I make? I have that long memory and let’s face it kids, when I am winning again not all of you are going to be there. But that’s a bridge that will be crossed when we get there. What’s that saying? “It’s not that I don’t want you to eat, just not at my table.”

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