All that is
Parenting my inner child - sunday
I'm feeling hopeful and more aware today. when i say more aware, i mean that i'm noticing my thoughts more. its like i have an overseer keeing track of the thoughts in my mind, my self talk, self beliefs. For instance when i think a negative thought or have a negative memory and i feel myself about to have a negative reaction to that memory or thought, my overseer - my inner mother if you will, puts her hand out as if to say 'hold on, go back' and tells me to ask the question - 'why am i choosing to experience that situation in that way?' - when i ask this question of myself, the answer is usually has to do with a negative self thought or self belief of some kind that i have grown accustomed to believing is my reality when it is not. it is just something i've believed for years, because of experiences ive had that made me feel that way. But the way you feel because of an experience or the way you REACT to an experience IS NOT REALITY. It's a possibiity out of the myriad of potential realities you can choose, sure. But if I want my frequency to be LOVE and calm and joy, why would i choose to take the path of such a negative reality and then proceed to manifest it time and time again? Tihs has been my pattern. I'm happy that im becoming more aware of this pattern of monitoring my hurt inner child's voice, and that i am developing an INNER PARENT who comes over and says 'now hold on, let's pause and look at this'. I love that. Thank you.
I'm glad that last night I followed through on my commitment to myself to read out loud for 1 hour before bedtime. I started at around 10pm. Then finished reading at around 11:10pm. by the time i approached the end of my reading, i started to stutter a lttle bit more, stumble over mywords, swallow some words, and noticed my mouth started feeling stiff. It may be that 1 hour is too long to read out loud, like i'm not used to it yet? That maybe it needs to be 45 mins for now so that I can build that muscle. I know now that if i want to continue doing something, i must make sure that when i finihs that task i come away with a good feeling, physically, not an uncomfirtbale one. I must make the task my friend. If it's fraught with. It can be fraught with discomfort at the beginning, but there should come a time when i sort of settle into it.
I just had a Deja Vu that I've been here before. the sounds that those birds or chickens outside are making reminded me of being awake on a calm Saturday morning that felt still cos no one had work, when i was small in naij possible getting ready to go to church. atmospheric sounds, everyone was at home. felt just now like I was right there again.
I'm happy that this morning I woke up and chanted. I'm happy that i;m journaling also as part of my commitment to daily meditation and reflection. I have decided that i will begin doing my IG posts in the morning first thing after journalign/chanting becaue the earlier it is the more i feel good and eager about 'getting it out the way'.
LAST NIGHT'S DREAM
My dream last night - lsanda from work was involved. I was given a task to do something. i had that feeling that i often got when she assigns tasks. like i'm being waited on to fail. and i felt like she was coming down on me disproportionately and as usual (i felt) to complete the task. i was going about completing it. then i notice that I'm on a news desk giving news with mary-anne from work sitting side by side. she finished and i remember thinking 'ah she's not such a bad person afterall as i thought'.
I had a dream that i helped a friend called jack (he didn't look like my jack) complete an art project in New York, and everyone was gathered at the Brooklyn bridge as he made his speech and i was with him standing beside him. he was stood up and everyone including i was sitting. then towards the end of his short speech he beamed and said 'i couldn't have done this withoutht (my name) as my mentor - she's the reason I'm here right now' and i stood up to stand behind him and everyone cheered and applauded, and looked at me and i was beaming. it was such an amazing feeling, to feel recognized for something i had done, for helping another person with an accomplishment. i felt "seen" for my talents and abilities and it was an amazing, positive feeling.
I am grateful that i have this lovely flat that i live in. It's beautiful, as much as a flat can be in this part of town anyway. It has great big glass balcony doors that let light flood into my bedroom and my living room all day long. and in the evenings there's a beautiful golden light that comes in. brilliant for photogrpahy and product layouts. the glass doors lead to a balcony that's huge compared to standards for two bedroom apartments. i mean even then it's huge. most people who've visited when they see it say 'whoa' or wow! i smile to myself, reassured of how lucky i am to have this place. i have total privacy, so despite the large windows, i can afford to not have curtains, and i can prance around unclothed at all hours of the day, without being seen. or at least id'd. Im grateful for that.
I also grateful for my frineds. Im grateful for people like jff who is so close to me i can tell him most things. so clse that when i call him every day or as often as i do, i don't have that feeling of 'is it too much now?' he always answers like he's expecting my call. and it feels safe. I'm grateful to have that. as much as other people may have a wider group of friends i don't know how many have the depth and quality of bond that jff and i have. i'm grateful for friends like ev and rse and jes who want the best for me. and have shared their resources and their time to help me. to go so far as to connect me with old friends who can be of help to me. i'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that even though money isn't coming gin right now because work still hasn't paid everyone), i have a family that I can fall back on if i really need to. even though id rather not. I'm grateful that i'm healthy.
I'm grateful that i have mustered up the courage (yes, courage cos that posting shit still scares me a little) to finally post on my IG after daysss due to fear. once again I should focus on doing, and not the immediate "return" in the form of likes.