Beauty in Darkness
2020-11-07 12:13:48 (UTC)

The next step

I love Fridays.

I don't work and I can sleep late. I woke up after 11 am yesterday and it was amazing.

Christopher texted me and said 'Spend the day with me'
Again, not a question. He never asks and for some reason I really like it.
He picked me up and we drove to the beach. I don't live near the beach anymore, but I make it a point to go at least once a month.

This Christopher and Christopher at work are two completely different people. I like this one more. He's carefree.
After lunch we sat on the warm sand in comfortable silence for a while. No one wants to talk when there's an ocean right in front of them, right? It's too peaceful.

Christopher said he wants to give 'this' a shot. A relationship. Exclusive. Dating.
I shook my head before he could finish his sentence. He asked me why, but I couldn't answer.
There was a woman and her little boy running and laughing. I watched them for a while with an ache in my chest.
Christopher noticed and he said 'He's cute, huh?'
'Adorable' I said.
Then I asked him if he wanted kids and he immediately said 'No. You?'
I shook my head and said 'Can't'
Then he looked at me. Like really looked. His eyes roamed over my face, like he was looking for something. He must've seen the hurt on my face because he only said 'I'm sorry'
I then asked 'What if you change your mind in the future?'
He said he won't. His exact words were, 'If you could, would you have children?'
I said hell no. Because I can't imagine exposing my child to this ugly world.
Still, it would've been nice to know that I have a choice. But I fucking don't.
He nodded and said 'I rest my case'
I felt both guilty and relieved.
Guilty, because I can't do the one thing I was put on this earth to do.
Relieved, because he felt the same way.
He asked if that was the reason I don't want to date and I told him that I have a million reasons.
I thought he'd stop pressing after that but he didn't. He said 'explain'

I like my freedom. I like the fact that I don't have to answer to anyone and I fucking love the fact that I'm in control for once. I'm my own person and it's fucking fantastic. He seemed to understand what I meant.
I can see myself falling hard for this man. He's gorgeous, hyper intelligent, funny and sometimes intense. I need to be careful here.
He's not interested in being 'fuck buddies'  so I compromised.
We're exclusive, but I still have my freedom.
I don't sleep around, because I'm too old for that and I'm definitely not interested. I don't see myself sharing my body with a different man every weekend,if that makes any sense. I respect myself too much.
But I'm also not ready to settle down yet. You know, move in with a man or get married or something.
Like I said, I'm 31. I gave half of my life to men who didn't deserve a minute of my time. Narcissistic assholes.
We decided to take it one day at a time to see where this goes. There's no rush.
Afterwards he dropped me off and said 'Pack a bag. I'll be back in an hour'
We went to his house, ordered takeout and watched a movie. I honestly can't say which movie because I couldn't concentrate with his hands and mouth all over my body.
Sex with Christopher... I can't explain it.
He's hard and soft. Hot and cold.
It's..... Intense. And perfect.

So anyway it looks like I'm kind of dating my boss. This is not a recipe for disaster. At all.

Oh and I spoke to Danielle briefly. We had an interesting chat, but that's a story for another day.

I can still smell Christopher on me. He's on my skin and in my hair and I fucking love it. I kind of don't want to take a shower.

What the fucks wrong with me.