No Saving Me
It starts without warning, one day you're totally fine, the next you're spending money you don't have, not sleeping, throwing everything out and replacing it with new or matching things, then the next week you're in bed not wanting to get up and you don't want to see or talk to anyone because it's just "too much". I used to be "normal", or so I thought. My normal was plain ole' depression and anxiety with just a dash of PTSD, but now? Now I've come to find out that since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression years apart that I was misdiagnosed. Yes sir, yes sir, misdiagnosed my new psychiatrist says. I am now just, bipolar. Bipolar with a hint of lingering PTSD.
I was okay with my previous diagnosis, because plenty of people are anxious and depressed. I thought I was just a normal kid, sad and antsy. And I suppose in hindsight I should've known. My lows weren't just low, it felt like I was in this bottomless black hole that had no end and it would last for weeks at a time. When I felt better I didn't feel a fog lift, I felt like I was on cloud nine. Couldn't be touched or brought down for days on end. I felt almost superhuman. I would clean, throw out old clothes, go out with friends, I wouldn't sleep. And when I would crash, I crashed hard, with no warning the next day I be curled up in bed not wanting to do anything. I don't even want to share how long I would go without showering on my lows, but that's the real side of it, the gross side. Getting up, walking to the bathroom, undressing, getting in, washing your thick head of hair, detangling knots with conditioner, washing your body, it all feels like too much. So you just don't do it. It's hard to see how bad it is when you're on the inside and no one on the outside cares enough to check in on you.
Since being diagnosed I've payed closer attention to my moods and what happens during them. Auditory hallucinations is a common one for me, very few visual hallucinations, and it only happens when I'm alone. I spend money I don't have on projects I'll never start or stick with. I'm almost 6,000 in debt because of that. I have the urge to throw away all of the kitchen stuff because I want new everything that looks cleaner, matches, and/or so everything has a lid. I get angry easily and lash out at people. I get easily annoyed and want to scream or break things because of the frustration. Now the depressive episodes are pretty much the same. I won't shower, eat, do anything I love, no sex, won't use the bathroom because I don't want to leave the bed, will hold off on walking the dog, won't clean, won't text people back, won't answer calls, call in sick to work or just dread going to work. And I don't think it helps that in two years I went from 117 Lbs to 200 Lbs.
I haven't felt normal in a very long time. That's all I want. To feel good, to love things again, to not hurt myself or others with the side effects of being mentally fucked up.
I just want to be okay.