Madisondegraaf20

Life of a High Schooler
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2020-11-05 00:00:00 (UTC)

Dear Past Me/Dear Future Me

Dear Past Me,
Hey I know how you felt when you made eye contact with the guy across the room. But listen to me please. Don’t approach him. I repeat: DO NOT approach him. Don’t go over to him and introduce yourself. Please I’m begging you. Why should you listen to me? Okay I’ll tell you what will happen if you go over to him. When you walk over there he’ll give you one of his famous play boy smirks that will make your legs wobble, he’ll tell you his name is Clark. You’ll talk to him everyday. You’l be attached at the hip to each other. You’ll cuddle, he’ll walk you to your cabin every night and every morning wait for you outside, he’ll buy you Mt. Dews and Reese’s, he’ll tell you he’s never met any one like you. You’ll also meet this bitch named Alyssa, you’ll tell her to back off of him. You give them your number when you leave the camp. You guys will talk every day, every night, every minute you guys can talk. But 2 months later he and Alyssa will start dating. He’ll tell you that you can’t tell him “I love you” any more. It will be the first time he broke heart. You stop talking to him for two days. He’ll blow up your phone both of those days. After that you guys will talk every once and awhile because he then gives Alyssa all of the attention he gave you. After you move to Indiana you stop talking completely. You go 14 months without talking to him. You’ll get a phone from your guy friend. You’ll text Clark on Instagram, “hey bitch.” He’ll instantly respond, “Madi? Omg I thought you died.” And you continue talking to him for a month and a you find out he’s still dating Alyssa, but he‘lo ask you if you still love him. You tell him no.(which is a lie because you didn’t want to lose him) You’re step dad will find the phone and take it from you. Your neighbor then gives you a phone. You text Clark after 4 months of not talking. You tell him you’ll be in Vermont and ask if he could come a see you. He does go and sees you. He goes over to your grandparents store 6 times each time staying there for as long as 3 to 7 hours. You tell him you still love him.... a lot. He tells you(for the first time) “I love you too. I’ve loved you since our eyes connected across the room. I’ve wanted to date you ever since I got to know you better. I wanted to kiss you so badly behind the barn when we were hiding form Alyssa and Gavin. I’ve always wanted you Madi.” He will kiss you, he’ll touch you in ways no one has ever touched you. You’re heart will feel like it’s swollen from all the love you had for him. He’ll make out with you in front of Alyssa, he’ll kiss your neck, he’ll choke you, he’ll put ice cubes on your chest and then but his warm hands where he put the ice cubes, he’ll smack you ass leaving bruises in the shape of his hands, he’ll hold you, he’ll sit you in he lap and tell you he loves you, he’ll leave hickies on you chest, he’ll do all these things, but after all of these things happen. He’ll leave you for Alyssa. He’ll shatter you. He’ll destroy you. He’ll make you cry almost every night for 2 months, you shut down, you stop eating, you stop talking to your best friends, you crawl into a shell. but there’s a few good things that come out of all of it. You meet your boyfriend, you figure out who your real friends are, yea you only have two after your whole episode but they are all you need. But you’re still broken, you’re still healing. It will be exactly 4 months tomorrow. 4 months of crying and numbness. but you still grow from it. It’s a slow process but you grow from all of it. So are you going to cross that room and suffer the consequences or are you going to stay in that corner?

Dear Future Me,
“I’m gonna cross the room” will always be my answer. Why? becuase without meeting Clark I wouldn’t have met some of the amazing people I know now, I wouldn’t have experienced what I experienced with him, I wouldn’t change a single thing if it meant I got to be where I’m at in life. Yes I’m suffering but I know who’s going to stay in my life. I met my boyfriend. yes home life sucks but I’m thankful I have a mom and family on her side that is always supporting me and stand next to me when I need them. I have a church who helps me rediscover myself(my boyfriend also helps a LOT with that). I have friends who will always stop and listen to me. Yes Clark fucked my world but the outcome I’m grateful for. Do I miss him? Hell yes. Do I love him still? I love the good memories. Do I regret loving him? Sometimes. Would I do it all over again? I would deal with this pain a million times if it meant I get to where I’m at in my life now.


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