Las Tortugas y Yo
Mixed emotions today all day.
Today was very hard for me, listening to all the updates on your health status was very dificult, not only because they keep on confirming there is no brain activity, but because now everyone is talking about you as if your are gone now, and your heart is still beating. I hope you got some closure at the hospital while your birth mother visited you. My mom raised you and she is the one hurting the most, we all are, I even refused to shower today just because I ball my eyes out every time I do. And tomarrow I will finaly be able to see you before they pull the plug. I've been watching medical series for the longest time, and now it all seems so sureal, is as if everything is passing before my eyes in slow motion, and yet again I will have to see another one of my sibblings gone by suicide. What are we doing wrong, I can't understand all of this, is like a bad dream back from my own personal mistakes when I atempted against my own life before my life had any real meaning. I found the cap you gave me at dad's funeral, I remember you ment to keep it for your self a dallas cowboys blue cap with the logo on it. Is the cap our father was wearing the last time we were together and he was still alive. First I begged him to let me have it, and in a snotty way he said no. I walked away with tears rolling down my eyes and just left it at that, a few minutes later you came in and hugged me ans said to me, is ok sister you can have it I think I have enough memories with dad to last me a life time, so go ahead and keep it, I hugged you tighly and thanked you. You always had a way to make me feel how much you truly cared about me. I need to be brave, today I cried a little to much, am coping with grief not just for you but for my first born who is moving out tomarrow and I have no idea when he will come visit again, I know he will be ok. today he asked me to help him make his bag, as I washed all his dirty clothes today as a good gesture, he usualy does his own laundry. but as I was folding them I smelled his scented clothes and it was no longer of a boy but a young mans scent. when did he grow so fast on me and began making his own decisions. Any ways I did how ever took a break from my responsibilities for the week, reached out to my doughters teachers and my supervisor and asked for a few days off, as an act of kindness towards myself.
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