Madisondegraaf20

Life of a High Schooler
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2020-11-03 00:00:00 (UTC)

Today - Part 2

School went ok. Just kinda felt like crap. I talked with my boyfriend ever since he got up, so that helped. He tells me he wants to help me and keep me happy, but I don’t know what he can do other than talk to me. Usually when I’m depressed like this I would talk to my mom or Clark, or cut or just mope for days till something makes me happy again. I think one of the reasons I’ve been feeling depressed is because I haven’t taken my antidepressants for 5 days. I hate how dependent I’m on my meds, sometimes I feel like I’m addicted to them, but you can’t really get addicted to antidepressants. You can depend heavily on them but not get addicted.... Wait isn’t that the definition of addiction...? You depend on someone, like a crutch, to make you feel better? Holy fuck I’m addicted to drugs, literally... Whelp sorry mom.🤷‍♀️ Technically though its her fault I’m addicted to my antidepressants, she won’t allow me to get off of them, even when I’m finally happy for awhile but she just makes me change meds. I’m so sick and tired of meds and counseling, none of it helps me anymore. I despise counseling. I absolutely HATE it. I have 2 counselors and I see them 3 times a week. I don’t like it. I also can’t seem to make any “dad figure” be proud in me. Ugh now I’m tearing up. Fucking dads. My grandpa, the one man I could trust in and looked up too, doesn’t approve of the person I’ve become, he thinks I think too much and I’m too depressed. Gee thanks grandpa. My sperm donar(that’s what me and mom calls my biological dad) rejected me AGAIN, after trusting him and thinking “hey maybe I can get over what he did to me and my brother. Maybe he did change.” He rejected me ON MY BIRTHDAY. Like what the actual fuck. He seems to like breaking me on my birthday, this is the 3rd time in the past 4 years. I regret telling him about what I’ve done in my past with guys I’m not proud of because now he thinks I’m a slut/whore and everything. Called me white trash and then asked for my respect. Bitch what? My step dad I can’t fucking stand. I came home after a tiring depressing day, I do my chore and go to my room to read a book. He comes in and says I didn’t do my chore right, I sweep the floors. Tells me I can’t even sweep floors right then has the audacity to say that my cat is always peeing on shit. Um no he hasn’t for over 6 months now when my semi new cats came into the house. Literally the only reason he peed everywhere was because he was claiming his territory. My step dad’s fucking cat has been peeing everywhere not my cat. He fucking blames MY cat for peeing on HIS bed. MY CAT DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING LEAVE MY ROOM SO HOW THE FUCKING HELL IS HE GOING TO PEE ON MY STEP DAD’S FUCKING NASTY ASS BED?!?! He pisses me off so fucking much, as you can tell from all the fucking swearing but honestly I don’t give two fucking ass shits. My step family are all fucking assholes. They make everything about them. Literally came home and my sister went “why are you depressed I lost all my friends. My life is worse than yours. You’re just making you life a lot worse than it actually is.” The worse thing my sister has ever gone through is her mom not talking to her for like a day. While this happened to me in the past 4 years, not my entire life just the past 4 years, and these are the highlights-
2016 - parents separate, get diagnosed with severe depression, attempt suicide, dad rejects me for the first time, getting bullied for being the only kid with separated and broke parents, start cutting for the first time.
2017 - change schools, meet Clark & Alyssa, life seems to get good again, Clark & Alyssa start dating, parents divorce.
2018 - mom meets step-dad they start dating, my brother kills my dog with his shot gun, my art teacher the only adult I trusted dies, i start drinking, heavily, I attempt suicide again, i go to a mental hospital for 10 days, mom and step dad get married(I wasn’t even get invited wtf), I move half way across the US so mom can live with my step dad(left my entire family, my childhood home, friends, everything), dad rejects me again.
2019 - start to go to school again, start dating my first boyfriend and had an ugly break up, almost succeed in killing myself was in the hospital for a day, in a mental hospital for a week, mom doesn’t allow me to go back to my old home for the summer, i get micromanaged, I start vaping and drinking again.
2020 - Coronavirus, i lose my aunt agnes, I get to go see my family again, i see Clark and Alyssa after two years, get my heart broken by Clark... again, I struggle with school work more than ever, start dating my boyfriend(yay🥰), finally get a job, dad rejects me on my birthday weekend.
She still thinks she has the worse life. She has lived in the same town for as long as she can remember, has plenty of friends, has mild/practically nonexistent depression, has a wonderful love life, she has it good. I’ve never really had really happiness and when I did it didn’t last long. That’s why I try and stay as distant from people as they’ll let me. I just wan to fucking run away. I mean yea I have good things in my life but home life is just so fucking hard. It’s always so fucking toxic. My family tells me I’m a disappointment, a mistake, a failure, worthless, etc. This website is literally the only thing I can really vent(not counting my bf and my 2 friends). Right before my mom left for work like an hour ago, she asked me if I was ok i shrugged and she said I’ll take that as a no and left without another word. She knows I’m upset but she just turns and leaves without another word. I can’t fucking stand life.


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