Amethyst

I don't even know
2020-11-03 23:10:53 (UTC)

Anxious

Dear Diary,
It's been a while since I've written something. Really tired today, and not the best. Got into a fight with my parents yesterday. They're so stupid. They're stupid in the way that they think they know what's going on with me and my siblings. Bad parenting I guess. I just wanna stop life. I wish that time would just stop, even for a while. I could feel free, feel somewhat happy. I could do and say whatever I want without anybody controlling me. I would feel so at peace. I wish magic existed sometimes. Flying sounds cool and so relaxing as well. Anyways, today is the election. I'm so scared, I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack. If Trump wins,everything would become Hell on Earth. The LGBT community could lose their rights, COVID could be worse than ever before, more black people or people of color could be killed, families will be torn apart, and just, with 2020 and everything that has been happening, I feel like it could very easily come to be true. I....I've been thinking about suicide recently. Like what would happen, what I would feel, what it could be like. It's a really heavy topic I think about, and when I do I want to cry. I feel so worthless. People act like I don't know anything just because I'm a kid. But they don't understand that I know more than them. That WE know more than they do. I just wish I could disappear. I don't think I ever will take my own life because I would make the people I care about devastated. I just wish I had someone. Someone I could talk to. But whenever I want to, my brain start making up things like, what if they feel the same way about themselves? What if I'm being a burden to them? I could influence how they feel about themselves. I could be the reason they're depressed or hell, even dead! I.... I don't want that. I'm gonna give myself a panic attack just typing this. I think this is the main reason I won't make this public. I care about other people before I care about myself.
I think I'm gonna end this here. I'm gonna try and write more. I'm gonna try to express and talk about how I feel. Goodbye for now I guess.