Madisondegraaf20

Life of a High Schooler
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2020-11-03 00:00:00 (UTC)

Today(TW- selfharm/suicide/abuse)

I got a couple things to talk about. Topic 1. Self harming and suicide. I’m gonna go into my past for a bit. For as long as I could remember my dad would drink and when he drank, he got mad at the smallest things. He would beat me and my brother if we tripped and dropped a toy. He would yell and get mad. I don’t think I have a single memory of my dad NOT mad or abusive. In first grade I went to a private school. It was a very small school there was less than 50 people. One year there was like 60 kids, that was the most the schools had ever had. There was only 1 other person in my grade, his name was Peter. He was a very shy and timid kid, he still is. I actually saw him for the first time in 2 years over the summer, (I guess I changed a lot because he didn’t recognize me.) I would say Peter was my only friend other than Levi but Levi moved away to Iowa sadly. Anyways... I was a very tall and chunky kid in elementary school. I was always 5 inches taller than every one throughout 1st to 6th grade. 7th grade I finally had some people(like 2 guys) that were 2 inches taller than me. As of right now I’m 5’9” and still taller than a lot of guys in my high school. Sorry I’m rambling. I was bullied a lot from 1st to 6th grade, I’m still bullied now but it doesn’t effect me as much and it’s not as bad. I was called big foot, big ugly giant, pregnant, freak, and many other names. A couple times I got jumped by my classmates. I was clinically diagnosed with severe depression, even though I had it technically for my entire life. In 6th grade I actually texted Clark(my ex who shattered me but we’ll talk about him later on) telling him I’m gonna kill myself. He texted another one of my friends and they told their mom who called my mom. By the time mom got home I had a box of pills right next to me and I was balling my eyes out. That was 2 years ago. Last year I almost succeeded in overdosing. I was in the hospital for 24 hours with them pumping out all the pills and shit I had taken.(They found mouth wash in my fucking system... what??) For 4 years I had self harmed myself. Sadly just last night I broke the streak of a month of not cutting. I scared my boyfriend, I felt terrible. I felt like I had let him down. I kept apologizing and apologizing, I mean yea he forgave me but I still feel like I disappointed him...
Topic 2.(actually the reason I cut myself.) So I met Clark 2 years ago in August. We were camping together for a week. Me and him got along right away and for me at lest, I was like love at first sight.(He said it was that way for him but you’ll realize later on why I don’t really believe that.) We also met Alyssa. Alyssa told me she thought he was really cute and liked him but she also liked someone else. I got mad and said I laid my eyes on him first. So we made a deal, she wouldn’t go after him and I wouldn’t go after her other guy. October 13th I found out Alyssa asked out Clark and he said yes. I was broken. I felt stabbed in the back. Me and her never got along after that. Me and Clark would talk on and off, only because my mom tried getting me to stop talking to him but me being me I never listened. I wish I did listen. This summer, Clark came over to where I worked at my grandparent’s store in Vermont. I had never stopped loving him and him surprising me with little presents and little dates just made me love him so much more. But there was a problem... He was still dating Alyssa. I aboslutly HATE cheaters but I had let Clark cheat on Alyssa with me.... That isn’t like me. I broke my own morals for Clark. I lost myself loving him. I actually had my first kiss with him, he was also to the first person to ever touch me. Me being a virgin who also didn’t touch herself that was mind blowing because it didn’t know I could ever feel the way I felt when he touched me.(I am still VERY much a virgin. I just can’t look at ice cubes the same way....) He also only touched me and kissed me in front of Alyssa after she said it’d be ok with her. She basically became a third wheel between me and Clark. But he didn’t do anything with me that she wouldn’t allow... most of the time at least. The last time I saw him I had watched him kiss Alyssa got into his truck and sped off after he left me at my house. I shattered. That was his way of saying “I pick her, I don’t want you.” Deep down I had known he would pick her after me. Even after he’d call me every day after work, or take me on dates, or send me good morning/night texts, etc. I always knew he’d pick her.... That was 3 months ago. Last night my mom had brought him up and afterwards his song for me came on. His song for me was “the one that got away” by Katy Perry the slowed down version. I realized I haven’t really faced my demons from this summer I just kinda put a bandaid on a bullet wound. My self esteem and my sense of who I am disappeared when I was with Clark. I forgot who I was, who I wanted to be. I’ve become an empty shell of my past self. I realized I’ve never actually got over him. I should have known 3 months is not enough to get over a 2 year relationship.... Why am I so stupid.... I used to love myself, but after Clark telling me he wished I was more like Alyssa I started to hate myself I compared myself to others. I’ve starved myself and then I’d stuff myself and I’ve been going in a cycle of that, I’ve started wearing makeup, very little but enough that I feel better about myself. I don’t know who I am anymore... I’m so broken. But I’m thankful for the relationship I’m in now. I know it sounds like I really shouldn’t be in a relationship as of right now, but he’s helping me refind myself, he reminds me of who I used to be, who I want to be. I love him, he makes me happy.


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