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2020-11-01 13:59:50 (UTC)


"Conversation 16" by The National

November 1, 2020 1:00 PM

Marie let me take a sip of her moonwater. I still keep waking up feeling like shit, one nose plugged up, a headache and an aching body. I wonder if I have sleep apnea or something. The idea that I do scares me, because my mom has sleep apnea and she has to wear a mask every night and it makes a terrible noise. But it's not as bad as the sound of her snoring. Once, when I was four years old, we were in London for whatever reason (I think my dad had some kind of business to do there, and he brought us along, which he sometimes did if we had vacations at the time). Whenever we stay in hotels, we all share one room, and my mom was snoring so loudly that my sister and I couldn't sleep, so we brought our blankets into the bathroom and slept on the floor in there. Or the bathtub, I can't remember. I just remember my parents opening the door to the bathroom in a semi-panic in the morning, and my mom feeling bad. Then I remember eating a big breakfast and I think there were english muffins (although I could just be imagining that due to the pretty obvious association). Then I remember the soldiers in red and the big fluffy black hats (I don't remember what they're called). I remember we were walking down the street by a wrought-iron fence and my sister telling me there was a spider on my head and I got scared and screamed for her to get it off of me and I think I started running. And I remember my sister wearing a tank top with the British flag on it. And we were on a double-decker bus and I liked the top part (because why ride a double-decker if you're just going to sit on the first level?). And I think that's all I really remember.

Anyway, I feel that if I have sleep apnea, I will be ugly. I am already self-conscious about sleeping in a room with other people. I slept in Marie's bed on Friday night (more like morning) for about three hours. We all went to bed around 4 AM and Matt woke us up at 7 because he passed out while he was going to the bathroom (apparently this is a common occurrence for him? He's been to the doctor but they said he was fine. We think he has anemia). I went back to sleep but in my own bed and passed out until 3 PM. Before I did, Marie told me that I was twitching pretty violently in my sleep. Pretty awful, lol. I knew I twitched in my sleep, but jeez. Not cute. Olivia used to tell me I looked pretty when I slept, which made me more comfortable sleeping in the same bed, but I would still feel pretty awkward and confused some of the time. It's more intimate than kissing. I think it goes like sleeping --> cuddling --> hugging --> kissing --> hand-holding, from most intimate to least intimate to me.

So I took a sip of the moonwater. Marie made it last night because there was a full moon. She said she was going to use it on her plants. I don't really believe in that stuff, but I also do—the same way I don't believe in ghosts but I still sort of think they're there. Similarly, I don't know if Marie believes. She acts very casual about it and when I lightly interrogate her practices, like her tarot card things, she shrugs and says she doesn't think tarot cards actually do anything, just sort of inspire a person to think about certain things and work towards finding solutions for their problems. Which I actually really agree with. But I wonder if on some level, she thinks there's a larger force at work. I would like to know that—not for any particular reason. I'm just kind of curious.

It's nostalgia-season (it's always nostalgia season)! I love Halloween. I was disappointed, but I am always disappointed. There were no kids out this year, at least not that I saw. I miss handing out candy. I looked at this girl's instagram post last night while I was sitting on the toilet and her entire costume was a pair of very tiny deer antlers. Her entire instagram profile is made up of pictures of herself wearing a sultry expression and I have a lot of judgment. Back when I was privy to her finsta, I felt more empathy for her. In high school, I didn't like her because she was nosy. We didn't know each other at all and she walked down the hall with me to ask if I was dating Isaac. I told her it was none of her business, which I consider a sort of weird response by me, because I don't think of myself as aggressive. But it made me mad because I knew she didn't like Isaac and I had heard her say things about him. I felt protective because I really thought he was misunderstood. I wasn't wrong. Anyway, I still feel residual anger at her, for trying to get in my business just so she could talk about it with her friends behind my back. It felt very High School (TM) to me, and I didn't think of myself as engaging in High School. I probably *did* do that kind of thing, but I was older than her and I felt it, the same way I felt (and feel) older than Isaac. Isaac is kind of a 26-year-old and an 18-year-old wrapped into one (he's 20). He calls himself an old man, old soul, which I sort of agree with; and I know I'm more volatile than he is, less sure of myself, which are the hallmarks of a young person, but somehow I still feel older in some ways—I think it mostly has to do with interpersonal stuff. I feel older socially.

Oh, I also forgot to say: after the last time I wrote about Isaac, in which I was frustrated with him for wanting to talk to me so frequently, I told him I felt kind of overwhelmed by the frequent communication. He was very understanding and completely backed off (maybe a little too much lol—I do still need him to reach out, otherwise I will forget about him, but I am making an effort to text him a couple times a week). So I just wanted to acknowledge that. In some ways, I think I was worried he'd be like his High School Self. And I am also proud of myself for addressing the problem head-on lol. That is unnatural for me but I am working on it.

I keep trying to get past the moonwater thing, but I'm caught in my own memories. In general, been pretty caught in memories lately. The familiar up-and-down. I sort of knew, in the back of my mind, that this was coming. It makes sense that after a little less than a week (or more, I didn't keep track) of feeling energetic and creative, that same energy would develop into anxiety. I keep having the pop-up memories again, and the deep insecurity about self, feeling large and inflated all the time. This has only been the last couple days. I look at a blank page and I try to write and I can't, whereas a few days ago, I wrote about 3 short essays in the span of four hours. They're not good essays, because I wrote them write out of my head (the way I write my entries). They're entirely unorganized and redundant, but I think with a lot of editing, they could end up sort of good and I'm excited for that. I also wrote about 2000 words of a new story about a motel on a moon. And I wrote another 2500 words for a different story that I've been sitting on for the past three years. This might not seem like a lot, but I don't usually write so much in such a short span of time, so I'm proud.

Oh, also, I got an A on my midterm essay that examined some of Jorge Luis Borges' short stories (I had to analyze the works through some of the critical lit. theory we'd been studying in class). My professor likes my cheeky footnotes :D This is the same professor I had for my lit workshop last fall. He's the best literature professor I've had so far (to be fair, out of the 10 literature courses I've taken, I've only had about 5 real professors and only three of those were in the Literary Arts department—the rest were MFA students), so I really respect his opinion.

I had a dream last night that I realized I had bipolar disorder. It's been on my mind, but I also thought I had borderline personality disorder at some point (to be fair, both BPD and bipolar disorder are on my mental health records as potential explanations for my mood swings). I think bipolar disorder is on my mind specifical because 1) I watched an Unsolved Mysteries episode where the subject had bipolar disorder and 2) my psychiatrist raised my dosage of lamictal to help tamp down the violent mood swings I've been having for the past few months. I keep trying to find an explanation, but it's never going to come. Whatever it is that I have—whatever biological malfunction plagues me—it's never going to fit neatly into a particularly category. Oh well.

I am listening to The National again. I'm trying to remember to text the people I love. Our apartment is cold. Oh, also, against my own advice, I'm sort of friends with Matt again, LOL. I will explain this more in depth another time. For now, I need to go get a COVID test and then prepare for an exam I am taking tonight (prep includes minor studying and eating my first meal of the day lol).

Alright. Byyeyeyeyee.

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