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2020-11-01 01:50:14 (UTC)

Samhain Introspective

The candles are burning, and my introspective mind is at work for the night. The clouds are gathering and I’m hoping for rain. This is the other time of the year that I look back on the year to this point. I have to say it’s been a wild ride so far. I will start differently this year and then move back to things.

I love you. I always have and I’m quite sure that I always will. However, I will no longer wait around while you waiver back and forth. Either say the words and claim me (if you want it, you have to pee on it so to speak) or realize that I will be moving on without you. I’m tired of being confused. March is coming and things will change quickly. If an opportunity rises and you haven’t laid claim, I will take it. I won’t live wondering all the time what is what. My heart wants you, but I can’t keep living half a life and that half being confused all the time.

Now to other things. I’ve lived through many things in my life and many of those things most wouldn’t survive. I was told once that it’s surprising that I haven’t killed myself yet after all the trials I’ve been through. If truth be told, some of those things it was considered. I’ve even begged for death. Yet I’m still here. To be truthful, I don’t even know how I’m still here. I’ve never had an answer myself. I’ve made plenty of excuses and jokes about it, but I couldn’t honestly answer. Now the latest is my son. My eldest told me something that shocked me to my core. Something that no mother should hear from their child or about their child. It’s taken time for it to sink in with me. It finally has after repeating it so much. Now is dealing with the worry, the fear, and the helplessness. Something that I would give anything to make right for him. To take away what’s happening to him and make it all right again. Gone though are the days when a hug and kiss from mom made everything better. While he carries a brave face (and so do I) I want nothing more to make him better again.

It’s a strange thing to see yourself from the outside. I’ve watched my brother go through some pretty rough things this past couple of months. The irony for me is that I’m seeing the choices of what could have been if I had made different choices. I’m glad I didn’t make those choices and made the ones I did. Though I do have to note that the choices he has made has lost any ability for him to complain to me about the choices he’s made. I can no longer abide that he’s going back into a situation that he already knows is toxic. I’m not going to disown him or anything like that, but I will no longer hear the problems that stem from this choice. I’ve taken in quite a bit on top of other things from this and I will no longer do so.

I started this a little differently with a personal message to someone. I stepped away for a time because the confusion is overwhelming. I will give him that when I needed that breath to get away from things, I was given it. That refuge in the storm. While I love him, the environment is becoming toxic with the confusion and the indecisiveness. I’ve had an honest offer of late and while it’s not something that quite a few in my life would agree with it is still an honest offer. Something I haven’t had in quite some time. I’ve considered taking it. I’ve played the what if’s and so forth. Why would I consider it? While I’ve proven that I can do things on my own, be my own person, and be my own hero I also know that it would be nice to not have to do all these things alone. I’ve watched those that have wronged me go on to have happiness and I’ve been denied it over and over. I’m not saying that I’m not happy, but there is still a difference from content to happy. Yes, I want someone in my life. It’s becoming more apparent that the ones that consider me are looking for a mommy, a place to live, or seeking someone to basically destroy by smothering them. I’ve written at times about the ones that have tried to entertain me and my response to that. I’ve been all three of those things at some point or another. Trust when I say that I won’t do that ever again. I was speaking with a friend tonight that talked about being ruined. What I see is different from what he sees. He says he’s ruined. Yet at the same time he wants something, someone. I told him that he wasn’t ruined. He just needs to keep trying at things. In my case, I’m starting to believe that I am ruined. I keep trying to have hope but it’s dying more and more. The last time I got the creeper message of “come cuddle with me” as the first thing that was sent to me. I’ll pass serial killer vibe. I know what I want, but I’ve also been learning take sex off the table and your stock goes to near nil. I had a couple try to convince me to go against my belief that there will be no sex until a relationship is had. When they couldn’t I was either ghosted or worse. It’s interesting to see that it’s all basically what guys think about. I think partially why I’ve reconsidered the trip to Arizona. In fact, I invited someone to go with me. Truth be told I doubt he will go. He hasn’t bothered to this point so why would he? He’ll say that he will go but I got that gut feeling that about a month or so before going, he’ll change his mind. He’ll either find some lame excuse not to go or dare I say flat out lie to get out of it. All the same, I tried.

These next four months will go rather quickly, and things will be in place to change. There will be a lot that will change at that time. Not to mention some people that will be changed in my life. I’ve said before if you can’t be bothered when I’m where I am at right now, you don’t deserve to be around me when I’m winning either. Time will tell though, and the clock is running out for some people. I wonder if they’ll figure it out or not.

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