Live my life♥

me and my life
2020-10-30 06:12:10 (UTC)

Many many things

There are many things happening in back of my mind. About family, job, career, mom, money, future, marriage ufffff everything is fucked up and I'm here just sitting like a spineless person who cannot do anything and fall off where life takes her. There has been 0% of fun excitement in my life. I want a better life ahead. What do I do? Study further? Phd? Omo is it even my cup of tea? Offooo I want a better life that's it for which I have to strive or else I have to find a good guy. Am I going to die being unhappy?? I don't want to pleaseeee God pls
I have to think of something. I want to live in a better country. I'm so sad and lost that I don't know what's the future what is going to happen or what should I do? I'm living the life as it is coming on my way. How is it so possible for people and not for me. How easily ppl take decision without any issues and why doni have so many ifs and buts. I cannot think of anything but moms health, financial conditions. Am so lost and failed. God help me pls... Plss...
I think of V all the time. I hate him, miss him, worried for him. I have promises myself of not connecting him ever in life. I'll not wish him on his bday but my future letter will deliver to him. Last yr I roamed so much for his gift. I gifted him puma shoes, a jacket and a perfume. Then we had gone to Shirdi, shimla it was so surreal... It was all love but we lived in bubble. I guess we were soon separating so we had that good time. I miss that time so much.
Pandemic has taught me a lot. About life, money, priorities. But it has definitely brought down my confidence in everything. It has taught me to fight even if you feel pessimistic. It has supressed me in a way that my confidence has come down, my way of looking things has changed like k feel very small, feeling degraded.
I plan for many things but nothing works out how strange. leave it I just don't even want to talk abt it. But am lost, failed and tired and helpless, miserable, vulnerable.