Life of a High Schooler
I Found Something...
I found a letter I had written to my ex.... I didn’t realize all the pain and the suffering I had gone through when we ended. When he left me for my friend. See here’s the thing, I don’t hate him like people want me too, but I don’t love him like I used to. I loved the memories, not him, as I realized. He was toxic to me, he would tell me all my flaws and compare me to my friend, but he said it didn’t matter because he loved me. He wanted me to change to be the girl he wanted me to be, a girl who is tame and quiet. I’m the very opposite, I’m a wild child, I’m loud, I’m reckless. But I’m in a relationship now with an amazing guy who loves me for who I am and I’m 100% happy in it. I love him, he’s mi amor. I just wanted to show what kind of pain I went through earlier this year, because if someone sees this and is going through the type of pain I felt then they can text me and I can try to help them. I didn’t have any help getting over my ex. My family was just “I told you so,” “I have no pity for you,” “you deserve this,” “why should comfort you?,” and/or “you’re fine, grow up/stop being a baby.”
Do you know what hurts? Making myself believe all the things you told me were lies. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. If they were lies that you’re a hell of a liar. You made me believe I mattered, that I was loved and cared about. That my life had a purpose. Maybe you lied because you didn’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain. Maybe you lied after lie after lie to not hurt me. Maybe they were never lying... Maybe they were all true, but if that was the case, why are you dating her? Why would you continuously hurt me over and over if your love wasn’t a lie? Is it fun watching someone cry every night to the point where they feel nothing but empty and numb? Is it fun to watch as someone blindly follow you into anything you tell them, too? Is it fun hurting someone over and over and over again? Please let me understand this. I don’t understand why you did half the stuff you did, because the things you did weren’t out of love. You knew if you said the right words I would fall for you and stay forever. You KNEW once I love someone it’s almost impossible for me to stop loving them. So WHY did you do the things you did to me? If you knew I would follow you blindly everywhere, then WHY did you let me walk over the cliff, WHY did you let me fall? You watched me fall, you watched as everything in me broke. If you love me like you say you do then WHY do you do this to me. LET ME UNDERSTAND. I’m tired, I’m exhausted from WONDERING every night what I did to hurt you so much to make you hurt me so much. I’m in so much pain that I don’t feel anything. Every song, every color, every red truck, everything reminds me of you. I can’t unsee you. I see you everywhere. I think I see your truck, or you in the corner of my eye. But you’re not here. You’ll never be here. I’ll always be the one running back, never you. You’ll forget me, but I won’t. I can’t. HOW DO I LET YOU GO?!?! I wish I never met you. I wish I never kissed you or hugged you. I wish I didn’t let you touch me like you did. I wish I didn’t love you. I wish you would never come back and leave me be. I don’t want you back. I can’t handle this anymore. It’s just a constant cycle. I come back, we talk, we find out we still love each other, you pick someone over me, and I leave. But I’m done. I’m emotionally drained from our relationship and just everything. But if I’m really done then why do I not want to leave forever? Why do I make plans on how to talk to you one more time or see you one more time? If I really want you gone then why do I wish you’d come back. Truth is, I don’t want you gone. I want you to stay with me forever. I want to be your first choice and your second and your third. I want to be your only choice, but I know that will never happen. I will never be the only girl, I’ll always be your second choice. I would say I’m used to it but I’m not. It still hurts. I say I’m ok, and that you should pick her but I don’t want you too. I want you to pick me. I have cried countless nights and days. I try to not cry but I do, once I start I can’t stop. I miss you, Clark. I miss you so damn much. All I want is for you to come knocking on my front door and tell me it’s only me. But I know that will never happen because you’re also not really that type of person. I hate myself for letting you behind my walls. You are the only person who is behind all my walls. I have nothing hidden from you. I can’t keep anything a secret with you. I don’t even have to tell you, you just know. I hate loving you, I hate myself. I promised myself after November 6, 2016, that no one would be able to go past my walls. It was the same day that I realized that people aren’t the person they make you think they are. But you, Clark McKinnon, you got past my walls, you changed everything. You made me believe in true love and soulmates. But now... now I don’t know... everything seems to be a lie. Everything and everyone is two-faced. Nothing is the same. The people I thought were there for me were stealing from me and left. The people I thought were innocent were weasels, tricksters, liars. I wish I could hate you so I could get over you faster but that’s not gonna happen. I still love you. My heart mourns for you, for your touch. Your touch would bring me happiness and make me feel safe. I was home in your arms, I’m homesick Clark. I need to go home. But does home want me back? Your kiss brought sparks and life into me. Your voice calms my storm. Your eyes made me feel like I was where I was meant to be. Your hand holding mine made me feel wanted. Do you feel like how I feel? Do you feel like we’re meant to be together like we were two halves of a whole? That the fire burning in our souls is from the same spark? Do you feel the pull? Do you feel the emptiness that I feel when you’re gone? Do you feel like lighting things on fire or destroying things so that people can feel and see how hurt you feel? Are you as broken as I am? Or was it all lies....?