Beauty in Darkness
2020-10-25 21:04:58 (UTC)

Life happens

It's been a while, huh?

Well Claire moved out. Not that she had a choice. I kicked her out because she stole from me.

When my ex and I got divorced, we split everything 50/50,including 'our' pension. So I had a nice amount in my savings account. Claire, my roommate, stole a huge chunk of it for drugs. I gave her a choice. Rehab or get the fuck out. She chose the 'get the fuck out' option. I have the house to myself now and I'm loving every second of it. My biggest fear had been the loneliness, but it turns out I'm not that lonely. Yeah it's quiet sometimes, but it's more peaceful. And I cherish these moments. After a lifetime of chaos, this is paradise.

My ex husband got married in the meantime and I'm happy for him, I guess. He invited me to the wedding. I'd thought it was to piss me off or make me jealous. But I'm a spiteful little bitch, so I went to his wedding with a date, my boss, Christopher.

Speaking of....
I put a stop to my sexy time with my boss a few weeks after we started. People at work started noticing, and well, he's my boss.
He wasn't happy but he agreed to leave me alone, at first.
As soon as the lockdown restrictions eased, we spent a week in another city to promote a new author. During this week, we had to promote our author, meet potential new clients, etc. Not an easy task during this pandemic, that's for sure.
On our last night, the team went to a bar near our hotel. After way too many drinks, we stumbled back to the hotel.
I shared a room with my co-worker, Natasha, and the other two guys on our team shared a room. Christopher had his own room, of course.
Christopher invited me to his room, and drunk me couldn't say no. Believe me I tried.
That night I had sex with my boss for the first time.
I left his room with sore muscles and bruises that took forever to fade.
Neither of us regret that night but we agreed to take it slow. I told him not to wait for me to get all my ducks in a row because I have a feeling it's gonna take some time to do just that.
I don't have my ducks in a row, at all. Not even close. To get all my ducks in a row, I must first get my head above water, right?

I've been holding back, that I know. My thoughts often drift to CM and the things he'd said. He told me once that I needed someone with me physically, 24/7. I tried to tell him that I was with my ex for - 9 years. I slept right next to him and never felt more lonely. At the time I thought he said those things because he cared about me, because he was concerned about my needs. Now I know it was just one of his attempts to push me away. Although I've moved on and accepted that he's not part of my life anymore, I still catch myself thinking about him from time to time. The more I think about him, the less it hurts. I hated him after, at first. I gave him my mind, body, heart and soul. But he wanted more. When he realized I had nothing left to give, he bailed. And that's why it took so damn long to get over him. Knowing I wasn't good enough. But just like all the other disappointments in my life, I will get over it and he will be nothing more than a memory.

What he said, though, about me needing someone stuck. So I told Christopher that I need time to figure out who I am and what I want. I had to figure out who I was on my own,be my own person. Alone. Without a man. And that's exactly what I'm doing.
I was in a relationship with CM before my divorce was even finalized. Christopher happened when I was trying to get over CM. See where I'm going with this?
My world got turned upside down in less than a year. Complete chaos.

Right now, my life is peaceful. I love my job and I don't have a drug addict roommate sucking the life out of me. I'm single. I've been single for a while now and I love it.

Dont get me wrong, working with Christopher every single day is hell. Every time he's in my office I think about that night in his hotel room.
Sometimes I wish he'd rip my clothes off and bend me over my desk. I have to squeeze my thighs together every time he's near me. It's driving me crazy. Sometimes it looks like he can read my mind because he gives me a certain look that's only reserved for the bedroom. I would know. I've seen it. But the fact that I felt jealous when I saw him smile at another woman recently, another beautiful woman, is exactly why I can't get too involved.

I'm still searching for my fucking ducks.