Subtropical Lady

November 2020 (2)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2020

Forgot to mention the other day that we got a bill for spraying my pre-cancerous spot which was $41. Tom was surprised it wasn’t over $100.

Made sauteed spinach for the first time and it came out great. I just fry baby spinach leaves in a pan with butter spray. Maybe next time I’ll add a hint of garlic salt.

We were discussing the pros and cons of rural versus a park and they definitely both have their fair share of ups and downs. We agree it would be smart to start off in a park since it would be easier to sell if Florida didn’t work out for some reason and then I would have a park to compare this one to, even though they’re probably all pretty similar. He thinks there would be less likely to be motorcycles and power tools in lower-income parks, though, which does make sense. I think part of the reason there are so many projects here is that the people can afford to do them. And own motorcycles.

However, if we do spot a rural place that is too good to pass up, we’re going to try to get it. He found a great house with a screened-in pool but I don’t see how we’re going to be able to afford a 130K place on just his retirement alone. We could afford it once we got settled in but I don’t think anyone would accept us to begin with without additional income. I just don’t see us making any money with books or apps. Too much like winning the lottery. It’s frustrating because had the bastard above not seen fit to curse me with this kind of sleep disorder, maybe I could have worked too and doubled our retirement.

I just want people to stop waking me up like they did today! Tom was in his room which the trap door to the meter is right outside of and he assured me it wasn’t the meter reader because he can always feel the vibration of that. I both heard and felt a bang. He thinks it was likely someone going over the speed bump. Yeah, either that or next door slammed a car door too hard. Friday it will be garbage trucks waking me up.

Tom said there was a parade after I got up, and believe it or not I didn't hear anything. I was probably near the air cleaner when they went honking by. I don't get it, though. There used to be one parade a year here, then COVID comes along and now we're having parades every other month?

I’m just worried that once again I’m chasing an impossible dream and that there’s no escaping this shit. I’m sure we could get further from the street but planes are becoming more and more of a problem everywhere and with Florida being such a popular vacation spot, there would be just as many there, maybe even more in some places.

We’re still going to get the sleep pod whether or not we end up soundproofing the rest of the place. If I could just get a little further from a flight path and into a park where there are no dogs or motorcycles, then the only annoyance would be from whatever carport runs alongside our place, along with whatever projects the park does.

I just want to be so excited that we can’t get there fast enough! However, I’m sure it will be with some trepidation instead. Some question as to whether or not next door will wake me up or if something else nearby might be a problem. But then if I absolutely loved it, I’d just worry we’d lose it.

At least they don’t read water meters there since they don’t charge you for it because Florida isn’t in a drought like we are.

Here’s another weird thing about Aly, who received and really likes the jewelry I made for her and says she has something she’s sending me in time for my birthday (aw, how sweet of her even though she doesn’t have to). Well, it’s almost like she’s afraid to reply to my emails. I told her that rather than waiting and copying and pasting any errors she finds in a Skype message to me, especially since the longer she waits, the less likely she is to remember them, simply reply to the email and that way I know exactly which entry it is. Then she told me it never would have occurred to her to reply directly to the email and that kind of surprised me. It would only seem natural that this would be the easiest thing to do while it was fresh on your mind, wouldn’t it? She just seems way too smart not to have thought of that one but I don’t know. Maybe there’s some other reason she doesn’t want to email me although I can’t imagine what it could possibly be.

It was nice and quiet last night but tonight I can hear the freeway which means I’m going to hear some planes tonight as well.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2020

And yet another business caves to the pressure and replaces its Indian head logo with a tiger head. How long are we going to be doormats to people that just can’t be pleased and re-write a history that can’t be rewritten? When will we put our foot down and say enough is enough already?!

I miraculously managed to sleep through the trash truck, but fucking Amazon woke me up by crashing into the speed bump outside the bedroom when I could have used another hour or so of sleep. What is it with people slamming into speed bumps? They’re there for a reason and it’s not to be crashed into.

I still have to see it to believe it, but I can’t fucking wait to live somewhere where traffic waking me up isn’t an issue!

Last night the freeway, small planes and helicopters were annoying but tonight is quiet. I’m guessing the weather has to do with it. It drizzled on and off all day but never rained hard enough to clean off the car. He was going to pull it out onto the street and let Mother Nature give it a bath but it’s like California is doing everything it can to resist raining. It’s going to try again on Tuesday, though, so we’ll see how much we get then.

Fitbit emailed me thanking me for my participation in their heart study which shows I don’t have an irregular heartbeat, an indicator of A-fib. This was a relief to know since I know I’ve had a handful of experiences where I felt my heart flutter for a few seconds. It’s pretty scary too.

The virus cases are climbing like crazy. Damn, do I hope we get a successful vaccine approved and available soon! Cali went from 19K critical cases to 32K critical cases in one day. It’s no problem for us to stay home since we’re homebodies anyway but still…who wants that risk and to always have to wear a mask in public?

They closed the pool and the clubhouse. It would be even better if they stopped having parades.

We ordered a few things on Amazon. Needed a new smoke detector so we got one that also has a carbon monoxide detector in it. It’s just a basic no-frills detector since we’re leaving in about half a year. I sure as hell hope so anyway! I still worry something’s going to come up at the last minute to delay the move.

I also got a bead-stopper spring that you insert the ends of strings you’re beading into to keep them from falling off.

Got myself some jasmine and rose-scented powder that has a puff in it so I can dab it on myself easily. It’s good for absorbing sweat that can occur in warmer temps or after a workout under the boobs or in the groin.

The last thing we got which I’m looking forward to the most is a back massager I’ve never had before that you don’t have to hold. Anything you have to hold and work yourself kind of defeats the purpose because then you have to strain to reach behind you. I wanted something that does the job for you and this pillow with rotating balls that you can lean against seems the most promising. Some people have reported getting burned so I won’t use the heat, something I’m not interested in any way. I just want something I can use for these fucking backaches I still get on and off.

I’ve been doing a bit more writing, believe it or not. Just some crazy shit that most people wouldn’t find interesting about a female serial killer with superhuman strength that gets revenge on anyone that crosses her.

I just finished a book by N.L. Hinkens and the story took place on a cruise ship. I’ve considered using that as a setting for one of my stories. At first I was going to have a lead character that was a dancer or a singer that gets a little more attention than she wants from one of the security guards but then I decided I would have her do nails in the ship’s salon. Why not when you’re obsessed with doing your own nails? LOL, I’ve got purple and blue Maity strips on now.

I just started Anything for You by Marissa Finch.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2020

The new massager arrived and it’s wonderful. Definitely can’t say it’s as good as human hands but it’s still pretty damn good. Love how I can just lie on my stomach, position it on my back, and it kneads away. I just have to adjust the position every now and then. It changes directions every few minutes. Work well whether I have a shirt on or it’s sitting on my bare back.

Got a crazy story idea in mind that I’ve already mentioned and that I’ve been on a surprising roll with it, even returning to NaNo. I’ve got almost 5K words and my word count goal is set to 10K since I chose not to check the box associating it with a NaNo event. It’s more like I’m writing a bunch of scenes than an actual story. It’s a story but it’s told in bits and pieces. It doesn’t quite flow in the way a typical story does. I’m kind of jumping around in the life of this badass female outlaw and all the revenge she seeks on those she believes have crossed her.

Earlier in the evening, we went on a very chilly walk. I had a long sleeve sweatshirt on underneath my hoodie and it was still kind of chilly. Because of my hip problems I’ve been having, I didn’t run and was only out for 10 minutes. I’ve made a point of getting steps inside the house by walking up and down it or hopping on my skier.

There really is no end to what will wake me up. Fortunately, I had just dropped off to sleep so it was no big deal. I ended up sleeping just fine afterward. I was falling asleep when I was aware of Alexa talking. Probably to say something like, “Sorry, I’m having trouble playing this right now. Please try again later.”

The Wi-Fi in the bedroom is spotty so she stopped playing the brown noise I had her playing. We’ll definitely have a more reliable setup in the next place. I still had the air cleaner and the white noise running, though.

I didn’t think I had any dreams but after I’d been up a while I remembered a quick dream involving visiting Dixie. She was sitting by the back window in her master bedroom that had a window AC in it. I knew she often dozed in the chair and realized she wouldn’t hear it if anyone were trying to enter the house.

Suddenly, a friend of hers was there and Dixie began to get irritated with me for pointing out the risk of catching the virus which she didn’t see as that big of a deal.

Her moodiness is exactly why I haven’t contacted her. I’ve gotten a few jokes from her, one of which she forwarded to me but I haven’t heard anything else from her and I’m kind of hoping not to.

Later...

My rosewater and jasmine perfumed powder came today and it’s so strong smelling that Tom thought it broke open in the package before he opened it. It’s nice but I only smell the rose and not the jasmine.

When I was almost fully asleep, the dream people showed me how we were going to be going out of here. Or so I can hope and wish anyway. It left me with that feeling that definitely has me wondering if what I had was just a dream or something more. It was weird. It was like I wasn’t even completely asleep yet although close enough to it. I felt myself flying and then slowly turning when I realized I was on a plane that was taking off and turning in the direction of our destination. I then clearly heard the steady drone of the jet engines. It appeared to be the first-class part of the plane and we were on the same side of the plane as last time. So the window was to my left and he was to my right. I turned to him with a big grin on my face and my eyes wet with tears which seemed a little too happy for going on vacation.

Then there was something about a white house. There was some black as well. I don’t know if it was the trim or something else. I just wonder if it could be a sign even though it seems unlikely. It’s just that the feeling was so real! I know dreams can often feel very real but this was a little different in a way that’s hard to explain. I could really feel the sensations I was feeling in the dream and hear the sounds I heard.

I jumped up out of bed and asked him what he thought and he said he didn’t know either as to whether or not it could mean anything although it’s encouraging. When I really analyze it, I don’t see how it will be much safer to fly in half a year than it is now or that we would get that much for this place to afford to go out of here first class as much as I’d love to. I would love to meet my buddy as rough as a drive across the country would be but given the choice and money, we would rather fly there. It would just be so much easier for us both.

Another thing I realized is that if we had our stuff shipped, they’re insured. So if they got in an accident and our shit was demolished, we would get paid for it. If we drove across and had an accident, no one would give us shit.

Only time will tell if it was a sign or not but right now, if I had to guess, we’re driving across. That’s the one that makes the most sense logically. Hard on us or not, driving wouldn’t be all bad if that’s the way we had to go. It’s going to depend on where the virus stands and where we stand financially.

I’ve been feeling good emotionally and I’m trying not to let the what-ifs and bad thoughts take that away from me. Yet I’m doing it again. I’m sitting here wondering how many more years I might have lived after Tom died but knowing I’ll never find out for two basic reasons. One is that I would be so lonely and depressed without him and the other is that honestly, I don’t see how I could take care of myself on my own. Life isn’t as simple as it was in the 80s and 90s when I had apartments. It’s gotten so complex not to mention that I don’t expect to ever live in the city on a bus line. You can’t live in these types of parks or out in the country and not have a car.

Then there would be the everyday issues like getting food, paying bills, fixing things that break, and that would be too much for me, especially getting older. It’s sad to know that the only place I could go where I wouldn’t be alone or have to worry about basic survival would be to prison and that’s certainly no place I would ever go. I would never want to go back to having to fight for my medication, plus I’m a lot needier than I was at 35. Like they would give me oil to help shed dead skin from my fake ear canal? Like they would take care of my dental needs and other things? This is all on top of how exhausted and uncomfortable incarceration leaves you in general. The only thing that would be different would be that I could afford to beat the shit out of an inmate that threatened or even just annoyed the holy hell out of me if I was physically able to and not worry about write-ups and visitation restrictions when there would be nobody to visit anyway.

Seriously, I just hope that unless I’m the one to go first, I have the strength to kill myself and do it right. The last thing I would want would be to commit a crime bad enough to finish my time off in prison or to have to act crazy enough to finish it off in a funny farm somewhere. I go when he goes.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2020

“I WON THE ELECTION!” Trump still shouts on Twitter. Twitter, which although adds the truth to these bullshit tweets, continues to ply the bastard with a platform to make these false claims.

These delusional cries of victory have me unsure as to whether or not I should laugh at the craziness of it or cringe at how evident it is that the president, someone who’s supposed to be a hell of a lot more with it than this prick is, could possibly be this out of his fucking mind.

You didn’t win, you subhuman piece of shit, just like you and your equally fucked up wife probably never had the virus. That was just another publicity stunt, no doubt, that did you no good in the end.

As for the virus itself, things always take longer than expected. Always. So I’m really worried that no matter how we go out of here, we’re not going to go out when we plan to. I just wonder how many months were going to be delayed. This is just fucking ridiculous too. I’m not going to be “teased” with moving year after year. Eventually, I’m going to give up and just accept that this was where I was meant to be, like it or not, and start doing what we can to soundproof the place. I don’t want it to come down to that, of course, but I don’t want to waste time struggling for what isn’t meant to be either. Instead of waiting for something that isn’t going to happen, I could be spending that time more productively. I swear it’s like the story of my life is waiting to get out of places I’ve been stuck in and that I don’t want to be in! Right now I still think we will indeed get out of here next year. I just don’t know if it will be the April or May we planned.

Had a dream we were living in the country and I was doing something outside for hours, though I don’t know what. Two or three loud dogs were barking their asses off on the property next to us but I refused to drown them out with headphones or whatever because I wanted to try to finally make myself get used to it. No chance with that in real life otherwise I would have gotten used to that shit a long time ago!

These days, which I’m guessing is due to the virus, the biggest annoyance is the morning commercial planes. Runner-up to that would be the freeway and helicopters throughout the night but that comes and goes depending on the direction of the wind.

This is the longest the guy across the street has gone (that I know of) without sawing. Something must have happened to him if he didn’t get complained of because I can’t believe he would just stop. That’s not something guys like that get sick of any more than people like me get sick of writing.

Still loving my new massager. It’s not just great for lying on my stomach and placing on my back but also for lying on my side and wedging it between my back and the body pillow. My back is narrower than most people’s, so it doesn’t have a wide massage span when I’m lying on my stomach and letting it do my back. When I place it on the small of my back, it kind of reminds me of someone kneading the area with their thumbs. When I turn it the long way when lying on my side, then it has a wider reach.

Decided to start doing the exercise videos that Tom’s gotten addicted to doing. Team Body Project. They’re good for seniors because a lot of the videos are low-impact. My weight will never be in the 120s again and my waist will never be under the 30s but I like the way he’s now able to do them even when he’s tired and just the way he says they make him feel in general. He didn’t expect it to take this long, saying he always heard 6 weeks was when to expect any real change, but he feels it’s helping his metabolism overall the longer he does them.

I was doing better but now the random bouts of fatigue are setting in again. I’ve been tired for the last couple of days even though I have made myself do some walking up and down the house and started with a 10-minute video today. Maybe I’ll do another one later.

Not gonna diet per se. I’m going to focus more on ingredients than calories. There’s no getting around the fact that I need more than 1000 calories. That’s not going to change. I’ll aim for 1200 but will probably end up closer to 1500.

Every now and then I like variety and I’ve been getting a little too carby lately. Fortunately, I don’t like to have bread, rice and pasta often anyway. So definitely going to back off of that as well as things like potatoes and sugar. I’ll allow myself one sugary treat a week.

I didn’t get a great sleep score today and yesterday. I’ve learned that what may be good sleep scores for some isn’t good for everyone. I feel better when I get sleep scores of 89 or 90. But when I get 86 or 87, I tend to be tired.

I woke up unable to breathe at one point. My nose was stuffy and I considered putting a breathing strip across my nose before bed but didn’t. My mouth was closed and I was sleeping on my stomach when I woke up unable to get enough air in because my nose was stuffy. Like I said, anything to wake me up. It only lasted a few seconds, though, and then I was out again.

Really like these Bolthouse smoothies I discovered. They make fruit and vegetable smoothies, and I was thinking that these might be a great way to replace perishable fruits and veggies. I’m always in a race against time trying to hurry up and finish this and that before it expires but this way I wouldn’t have to play that game. It would cost a little more but be worth it. It’s not processed in any way. They just blend the stuff. They don’t add anything to it so it’s no different than me getting the Ingredients in making a smoothie myself. I don’t usually count calories but I like how everything is measured for me and I know exactly how much I’m getting of what. They recommend 1 to 1 1/2 cups a day of fruit and 2 to 2 1/2 cups a day of veggies.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2020

Did a 15-minute video and I’ll do it again later. Going to try to mix in walking as well even if it isn’t much. Fitbit recognized it as 15 active minutes and an aerobic workout. Well, that’s pretty much what it is, bopping around and throwing your arms and legs in various directions.

The next time Rockefeller calls me which I’m guessing we’ll be any minute now, I’ll share a banana with him, Blitz, and the rat.

In my last entry I said this is the longest it’s been since I heard the saw across the street, but well, Tom told me I slept through quite a project the day before yesterday. It wasn’t him but someone he hired. It was a big job too, that must have cost around 2K which is precisely why I don’t want to live with people with money anymore. They widened the posts on his carport and redid the trim around the house. I wonder what’s next and when, although it was pretty quiet yesterday because of the rain.

Got our first real rain in six or seven months. Tom said it never rained hard, but it rained steadily all day and he was able to give the car a bath. Anyway, I’m glad this project was done while I slept and that it didn’t wake me up. Had I known it was to be done, it would have made falling asleep hard. I wouldn’t know it was done without him telling me about it although being observant as I am, I did notice the carport posts when I casually glanced out the window.

I can’t wait to get out of here and hopefully - hopefully - into a place where I don’t hear nearly as much traffic, planes, landscaping and projects. The commercial planes are still better at night but can be annoying in the morning. Other types of flying shit vary.

To be realistic, though, I don’t think we’ll get out of here in April or May. Not if we put the house up in March. It’s possible but unlikely. I say we’re looking at getting out somewhere between June and August but then that is what we wanted. We want to arrive in Florida when it’s at the worst it could possibly be for those with asthma and allergies so I can get a sense early on as to whether or not I’m going to be able to handle that climate. If we leave in July then we’ll have been in this state for 14 years since we arrived on July 25th, 2007.

I like how my journals and stories will be backed up online this time around. When we left Arizona and when we left Oregon, we only had them on our hard drives. So had we been in an accident that demolished our computers, they would have been history.

Sometime soon, using his 3D printer, we’re going to trace my nails with tracing paper and then print out templates so that I’ll always have something I can trace nail stickers with. Even the ones that fit best have a few that are a little too wide and that could stand to be trimmed a little bit.

Got a goodie bag from Walmart yesterday included in our order with some toothpaste, Unstoppables which make laundry smell really good, snack/energy bars, and a couple of Starbucks K-Cups. I had the mocha peppermint when I got up and tomorrow, I’ll have the cinnamon dolce.

I don’t want to get canned veggies because they’re high in sodium and not as good, but I am going to get a variety of frozen veggies so I don’t have to make sure I finish the fresh produce before it expires. Still have to get fresh romaine lettuce, carrots and tomatoes for the pigs, but believe me, they go through it long before it can expire. We order every few days and they go through about one romaine heart a day. Every now and then they give me shitty produce but not too often. The rat eats some of the veggies too, but mostly has what I’m having on top of his own food since rats can eat anything.

Still not understanding why some people add people on Facebook just to ignore them. This isn’t a random stranger either. Yes, I’m talking about Minnie. Okay, so we never met face-to-face, but we have exchanged phone calls and letters even if it’s been 20 years or so. about a week after I replied to her initial message, I asked if she got my message and she said yes, she’s just been busy working.

Her uncle died a few days ago. While she took the time to post a couple of memes today, she still hasn’t taken any time to message me, comment or react to any of my posts, even if I’m not very active there. Other forms of social media, I don’t care, but I don’t like people just sitting on my Facebook friend list for decoration. If I don’t hear from her by the end of the year, I’m kicking her out.

I shared an entry link from PB where I can code it, and not at all surprisingly, she didn’t show up on my visitor list. So unless she’s a hider, she’s probably not even paying attention to anything I post.

I’ve gone back and forth in my mind between which would be worse, him going first and having to kill myself so we could go together, or me dying first and leaving him alone. I guess I would rather be the one to die first since I know that sad or not, he could carry on by himself. I still would hate to see him have to die alone in the end even though he’s even less of a people person than I am.

But the thing is, could I let myself die if I suddenly had something terminal so I could be the one to go first? Or would that be easier said than done if it caused me so much pain and suffering until it killed me?

When I read back on the way I would flirt with Maliheh, I cringe with embarrassment and even a little shame. Why would I waste time on someone like her? Someone that never gave a shit about me. Not just her but why did I bother with people like Nane, etc.? Many believe flirting is fun and harmless as long as it’s just that but if I could start all over again, I never would have bothered. I swear Maliheh could come crawling on her hands and knees begging me to forgive her and I wouldn’t want a damn thing to do with her, let alone to flirt with her. The only regret I have is that she’ll never know just how much I want nothing to do with her. Really, she has no idea! I’m sure she assumes just the opposite if she were to contact me and that I would be thrilled but the truth is she would be rejected in a heartbeat. Don’t know if I would simply ignore her if I would bother to give her an explanation as to why I wanted nothing to do with her, but having nothing to do with her would be exactly what I would do.

But once again and as I’ve learned with getting older, it was all in those hormones. Those damn hormones. So much is connected to them until they die off.

This makes me wonder about Tom. He’s only human so how the hell did he manage to hide anyone he may have flirted with or had a crush on in his younger days? Certainly, there had to be someone. Or maybe not. Maybe he really does have a hormonal deficiency or imbalance that’s tied to his low appetite and he was simply incapable of those feelings and desires. Plus, being the shy and quiet type, he wouldn’t be so quick to flirt with anyone in person or online.

We all make mistakes in life but the two I could kick myself for the most were going to court and taking Tammy back into my life…again, after all she’s done to me in the past. Why did I have to see her true colors so many times before I finally smartened up? I was such a fucking idiot where she was concerned, though I suppose beating myself up over it is pointless.

She’s just the opposite. If I apologized for nothing I owe her an apology for, she would reconnect with me. She’ll only hear from me one more time and that’s when I feel the time is right to share one last piece of my mind with her and her brats. This will likely be in response to when she reaches out to me and I don’t doubt for a minute that that day will come. Probably to tell me she’s dying or something dramatic like that. She and her brats really were the ultimate drama queens. There was always, always drama going on with them. Like someone recently wrote in their own journal, eventually, you realize that someone that has one crisis after another doesn’t simply have a string of “bad luck” but an actual love of drama. Tammy craves it, thirsts for it, wants it, needs it…but she’ll never have her sister back again. That’s for damn sure.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2020

Weight’s gone up a pound. Not sure I can get it back down. sighs I guess it’s just my time to make a jump and that no, I won’t stay in the 150s all my life. Not quite in the 160s yet but close.

1964 people died yesterday from the virus?! Damn! Haven’t seen it that high since last spring.

Not at all impressed with Twitter’s new “fleets” which are similar to Facebook’s stories. I would really prefer access to the voice tweet feature instead. That’s supposedly coming to Android next year, but I don’t believe anything until I see it.

Every month I would copy tweets to PB and Blogger but I’m going to stop doing that. That was basically for a quick reference and the main highlights of my life but if I want to look something up, it would actually be easier to look it up in my journal.

Yesterday I felt a touch of anxiety and I started to go through the usual routine of telling myself that if I took my meds and felt anxious tomorrow I would skip the next day but then I said, NO! I’m going to jump on it before I can get to that point and skip today. There’s no hoping it will magically get better on its own. The only way to bring it down is to lower the level in my bloodstream.

I’m feeling great so far today and did a half-hour video. This one really worked my arms! Still going to do some walking and work on my core, too. I do my abs on the Bowflex bench and back flies on the end of the couch that doesn’t have a back to it. Then I walk in 5-minute segments here and there.

I hear somebody whining for me now out in the living room. Hey, if I can’t have quiet neighbors/neighborhoods, why should I have quiet pets? LOL, but I do actually like the sound of guinea pigs. I’ll take a break for a minute so we can all share the last banana.

Okay, that’s two happy pigs and one happy rat. It’s good that I don’t eat a whole banana because then it can mess up my stomach.

Did my nails earlier not so much because they needed to be done but because I just wanted to do them. This time it’s black to navy with shades of blue in shapes of overlapping triangles for accent nails.

Not sure if the Jamberry PBer is putting me on or not. It’s too soon to say. Apparently, the stickers are at her parents’ house. She said she didn’t stop by this week to pick them up because she didn’t feel well. I know she’s got a lot of emotional problems and therefore I don’t get too close. This goes way above and beyond the normal emotional dips and peaks we all experience. She’s a drama queen and I think she would be a very toxic friend to have in person. Just something I sense, though I admit I don’t know her well. It’s just that in her journal it seems she is always angry, depressed or anxious, and now she wants to die because her BF is a drunk. The three things I can’t deal with are liars, emotional rollercoasters, and blatant stupidity.

Another PBer was complaining about having to deal with too many foreign people in general who either don’t know English or are too hard to understand. Yeah, I’m sick of the foreign shit too. I shouldn’t have to call India to get help with something in my own country and if I need to be sent to a specialist, it shouldn’t be someone with an accent I can barely understand.

I had a bunch of dreams last night. We were in a hotel in one of them and I’m wondering if it might have been Florida because we had a door or window cracked despite the humidity. It didn’t seem to bother me, though, and I commented to him that it was simply what I’d grown up with.

Then I was inspecting my teeth in a mirror and was worried they would be all yellow and that I misunderstood this thing that I bought where instead of whitening teeth it was supposed to change them to a different color. There had been other color options, but I grabbed the yellow one thinking it was for whitening.

There was also something wrong with one of my teeth and I resolved to address it with my ENT who I was referring to as Dr. Mitchell for some reason.

Then we were in the kitchen of this house where Tom was cooking up enough rice and beans to feed an army even though he doesn’t eat rice. Then he seemed to have some pain although I’m not sure where since he didn’t say anything. Instead, he just started poking various parts of his body as if trying to figure out what was wrong.

The last dream was the strangest. I was living with my very much alive parents and definitely pregnant although I didn’t have a partner. Not sure why I didn’t get an abortion since I didn’t want a child. For a second, I considered having it so I might have someone to look out for me when I got old but then decided it would best be given up for adoption. I decided I would inform my parents of my decision. I walked through the house and found them sitting outside on the patio. I told them I wanted to talk to them and that it was kind of “heavy duty.”

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2020

Over 2K deaths yesterday. So much for thinking hitting 2K was a thing of the past.

Aly tweets that she's under so much stress that she's considering making things easier for herself though probably not for others by leaving Skype and Twitter and making Fitbit her only form of social media but would still do email and text because that just “feels right.”

Is this where I get dumped or at least slowly phased out of her life?

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