ahrie

Sometimes
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2020-10-20 21:25:07 (UTC)

Autumn

It's autumn in Vancouver, Canada. The trees are so vibrant... burning vibrant warm glows before winter comes. I'm always so bittersweet about this time of the year. I love the weather, but does everything have to happen in this last quarter of the year? Audits, yearends, birthdays, and more birthdays. I don't have the energy to keep up. I just want to go bicycling on the seawall, or rollerblade, or even just run or walk for a few hours. I enjoy life until Autumn hits and then it's survival mode. Today I have a break to contemplate and write... and just slow down for a moment.

Sometimes I think about my ex-boyfriend and how much I learned from him. It's interesting how little memories pop up every now and then. I remember reading that when we are younger our brains and eyes capture more vividly. So we remember our youth very vividly because our minds actually "saw" in more detail. It was something like our imaging neurons fired much more than in adult life. Once I learned that I felt better about why I would often remember vivid things about him and our time together. It also explains why it can be so hard to forget. It's like the memories have been etched in detail... and there's so much detail that it'll take a long time for it to fade.

We use to spend so much time together. We tried so hard and yet at the same we were both terrible to each other. I think it was just the competing needs of growing up... having to learn so many life skills and adapt while we still saw each other in the same way. Our relationship had not evolved quickly enough. He didn't want things to change. The arrow of time continues and I needed to grow. Boys can be so messed up.

I asked for a breakup and he wanted to keep trying. I'm all for chances. So we kept trying.
Then he went and cheated on me. Well, let me tell you, when we are still committing to each other, we should continue to commit to each other. It's like an agreement or a contract of trust. If he wanted to be with another girl, that's fine but first, let's agree that we are going to take a break. Then it's fair; I would have the freedom to go and see another person if I wanted to. Also, he can't go and have sex with another girl and then have sex with me; I did not agree to risk getting an STD.
That is the betrayal. I care about you so much that I don't care about your safety. Boys are so messed up. A cascade of bad decisions.
I helped myself and eventually broke off the relationship.... it felt like I was cutting off my arm and then putting 70% of my heart into cryogensis so that I could stop feeling for him. Even though I loved him, it was evident he was not looking out for my best interest in the long run. It was hard because I thought we were going to get married after all we had been together for 6 years.

It was a great learning experience. Nobody looks out for you better than yourself.

So it's autumn. I'm in a mess and I should find a solution for it.


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