Forever missing you

Dear Benny
2020-10-20 20:19:01 (UTC)

Day 2

I feel like I haven't slept. You were right about me getting more sleep but I'm getting less rest. My body notices your absence even when my mind cannot. I literally miss you with every particle of my being.

I found something that I'd told you. I was looking for one of the only times our goodbyes actually had the word goodbye in them. And I found a time when I promised you that we'd happen, that it'd all work out. I told you how we'd be living together and all the simple yet lovely intricacies of that. I said how it would be you I'd say goodbye to every day when I leave but I would always come back because I love you, and always will, because you're the most incredible person. I hate breaking my promises. And I don't make promises I don't intend on keeping. I guess that's why it took me so long to promise you we'd make it no matter what. I hate that I made you a promise that I won't be able to keep. I hate that in order to be fair on you I can't keep coming back. I hate that my rare optimism is leading to this much emotional distress on both our parts. I hate that I've hurt you yet again. At east this will be the last time, I won't hurt you anymore. I'm sorry.

I keep flipping between wanting to beg you to come back and being angry with you. Some things you said are ridiculous. I know you were angry. I know I made you angry. But you were more than fucking exaggerating and saying I was "spamming the chat" when for the entire night i only said like 10 things when I was freaking out and not okay is ridiculous. God I want you back, but I don't want that person back, the one who finds it in himself to hurt me that much, I don't want to know him ever again.

It's 13:00 and you haven't checked your phone yet. You probably just don't have any messages to check. Or who knows, maybe you don't have a reason to be up yet, but it's stressing me out. I know you're probably fine, but I'm still worried. I want to be able to ask if you're okay. Make sure you're safe. But I can't. And it worries me.

My hearts wants you to realize that you care more than you showed, and do something to fix it. My brain wants you to move on and be happy.

I had to apologize. I couldn't leave it unsaid. But I know I shouldn't have broken no contact. I hope you aren't affected by it too much.
You responded. I didn't really expect you to but you did. You didn't accept my apology. Didn't say it was okay. All you did was acknowledge you read it and tell me to move the fuck on. You'd never done that before. I think my leaving really hurt you. Either way you've made it abundantly clear you don't want me in your life anymore. At least this way I'll stop having delusions of all of this being worked out in the future. We're quite literally done forever. Goodbye Benny, I'm gonna miss you.

I wonder how long the daily crying will last. Wonder if you feel it too.

All the things you've ever said keep coming back overwhelming my senses. I can't hear anything as loud as I can hear your voice. I can't smell lemon without the feeling of running my fingers through your hair. I don't know how to exist without giving you rein over my mind and body. Without you there I feel alone. Maybe that's why I let the ghost of you live in my mind. Just maybe.




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