candy♥

candy's dear diary
2020-09-29 15:00:09 (UTC)

I cannot live like this, they ..

I cannot live like this, they hate me. If they hate me, they should have forced me to go to jaipur. Why didn't they told me to go. Now they hate me. This is horrible and killing me from within. I understand that they are frustrated but you only poured your resources, your money. And now you can hate me, curse me, marry me off, or even sell me or kill me, throw me but I am not even me anymore. Mujme mai hi nhi hu. God said he is beside me. I hope he is watching me typing this and watching my tears and the thorns in my neck. Thanks. For everything but I want to ask that Harshdeep, if your child is unemployed and unpleasant, you will already hate him. Then if he is dead. I feel it's not that bad because today I am at my home, unemployed, unable to get employment and everyone hates me to the point that I keep. Thinking of death but can't die because I have mental issues. Do I not work hard at all. Maybe I deserve this treatment that kills me from within. I tried at every company but I was never into any of it. Now I want this bank job but it is going to take longer than I have and by that time, I'll be dieing of how my own people will be behaving with me. So my dear god, I am really thankful for what is all around me. But I am still dieing every moment. I understand everything but I am so unhappy and sad. I always need you. If u were there, I would have been needing your hug, cuddles and no one else's. But you are not here, I cannot feel you. I understand everything but all this is killing me and I cannot, I feel I am not able. I understand that u are. My family dislikes everything I do. Butbif same things are done by anyone other than me, they praise it. They don't like me god. Everything is conditional. I should have gone to Raajeevika. I regret the only thing in my life. I am sorry I did not know what is good for me and asked for this. Now that I don't have job, my own parents hate me, want to disown me, even my man feels same. I am doing same with you but whom do I talk, whom do I ask if not you. Because my own parents, my own sibling, friends and man do not feel me. You said you are mine. You said I am yours. You said you will give me what I want. You will help me succeed. You said you love me. You said my parents would love me always. You said my love would love me always. But I cannot stand this anymore. I gave three tests that day but then the very next day I got 26from 43. I got 44today but I was bit happy for this and dad hates me for this.😭😭I am gonna cry tonight. I wish I live alone in a room with my and husband's family in my house, including my husband ayu. I want to be able to show live to as many creatures as possible. I want to serve like that man on the video. Am I seriously not working properly? If I not reach some good decent earning position, my life is going to be a complete waste. But God u gave me this life to enjoy to Live to love others. I want to love others. God I want to help you love your creatures more. I want to love people and others like you. But I do work right, I recite, learn tables, squares, cubes, English, quant, reasoning. Not like exceptional but to my capabilities I do work. I am tired thinking and feeling all these too much. God I believe if I have to live this life without job and dieing every moment, being abused emotionally and I'll treated by my own people, my parents and sis then it would have been better if died by corona while working on my job. I would have loved that death than this life where my parents hate me every moment. God have you felt that? When your parents hate you terribly. My improvement never matters to my family, my death matters. My good things mean nothing to my parents, my bad things does. I want to show them how bad I can be for myself and yet good for everyone. So that they can realise that they nover showed me love and yet I did everything I could for them and not for me. And in the whole journey I killed myself and yet became successful. I could show them what they have made out of me. God I cannot suffer more. All this is hurting god and I cannot react and respond in front of them. Please god help me, no one else can. On one but u. Only you can do when no other way is available, I am the witness and I know you have helped before. You helped me when I felt terrible and couldn't find any way while I could not clear medical and had no place to go, when I had no place to go from hostile hostel, and when they threw me out and when the roommate was horrible and I was going mentally mad, when I had no other option for placement and it was killing me every moment. And when mom said don't go and when I felt terrible to join the job, only and only you supported me, only you helped me, only you carried me. Only you saved me, comforted me. No other in the whole world, not even my parents, sibling, ayu, friends or anyone. No one has every been with me but you. In extremely critical deadly situations. I owe u a lot and I want to pay you and I can assure, I will. Remind me to do it in case I forget and I promise I would. Just get me out of this situation because it is far beyond my capabilities right now and I don't have time before my family reduces me into waste garbage of mental trauma. My improvements, my creativity, my efforts, I don't matter to any one but you. They will hate me every now and then. I think they might never love me and I will never feel the real love and so I want to spread love more and more. To make others feel that there is love, there is god and you just need to ask God for what you need and God will answer you, will show you love. Aaj ki seekh, beta beta hi hota h, damaad damaad hi hota h, bahu bahu hi hoti h, beti beti hi hoti h. Idk if ayu can become beta from just damaad. I feel low. They won't let me join 20-30k job and nobody will pay me more without work experience except banks. But for that I need to clear banking pre plus mains plus interview. God please help me. This time I need it faster. I need this immediately because it has been killing me each day to be reduced to insults and demoralise form, for improving and being creative, for being alive, for being unable and able. Don't I desrve to work on my guitar,clay modeling, skating, love, spreading love and money and help, deserve to be better to self love to feel good to be proud of myself to be a good person to be rewarded for being a good girl that was expercted from me. Will I always be punished for being all that positives. I am tired exhausted. So much that I don't want to eat or drink water but rest in peace. You could have allowed some good ppl to live and killed me. I wish I could talk to hemlata ma'am, nani, mausi dono. Because they might have said positive words and praised me, helped me recognise how good I am, how capable I am. Hm ro denge. Aise rote rote kaise dekh lete h god aap muje. Mere parents b nhi dekh page pr unka response kya h pata h na ya to bolenge chup ho jao warna marenge ya daat ke chup karayenge. Pyaar to dekha hi nhi h. Or ab adat nhi b to dekh jata b nhi. Kash hm join kr lete or ho jata corona. Wahi rehte jaipur me. Fir ayu ka frnd mera Frnd. Fir hm thik hote lekin ghr kbi ni ate. Paise bhej dete, photo bhej dete. Ek to sunaye abhi upr se puchte h khana khai. Hm ro denge please. Muje sone do. Ghrwale nhi smjhte hmko. Hm corona ke baad plasma dete. Fir se corona hota or hm mrne wale hote or ayu se baat krte. Wo anokhe pal. Muje ni chaiye. Lekin agr hm mrr jate to wo mere naam se sympathy le ke ek or gf bana leta😒. Kismt hi kharab h. Nhi bharosa muje kisi pe, not even parents, siblings, dadi, papa mummy ayu or frn or anyone in the entire world. I believe you god. I believe you. Please help me this time or I will start hating my parents and family and ayu and everyone and all the good that I can do will vanish will end. But apko ya kisi ko kya farak parega. Mom trying to be oversmart. And dad going crazy over me. And sis thinking bad of me and jij not thinking of me and God might me waiting for climax till I choke to death. God please be with me. I have nothing to offer but to ask, now I am thinking to smoke and drink and even try weeds because of the failures and insults and investments and loans and hurt. Now I know wil
Ho gya kaand, hm the khus, ghrwalo ne fir se ruka dia. Pichli baar 42mare the. Iss bari 55. Galat to hoga hi kuch. Ek galat nikl gya to or b hoga mtlb nhi hona h qualify kisi b haal me. To gali suno ghr me or kaa. To sari mehnt firse pani me as usual. Ro lenge raat ko. Din me to rulayenge lekin rone ni denge. Soch re the hone ka chance h lekin ni h chance. Km se km 65 banana chaiye tha. Ppr easy tha sb bolte the or hm fir b bana ke ni aye. Hm soche nhi banega di to lekin end end me banra tha or time hi nhi tha. Syd time kahi or nikl gya arithmetic me time lg gya. Or reasoning me b faltu me fas gye. English me b Q's sara path hi nhi paye. God jitna ata tha utna ni bana paye😟☹️upr se ghrwale hmse naraz usko b phone krne h. Hmko nhi baat krna kisi se. Bilkul ni baat Krna. Hm so jate lekin sb gaali dega or b☹️😥. Bahut bura haal ho gya h mera. Sb aage nikl gya hmse ya ye kaho sb sahi hi ja raha h. Hm hi piche reh jate hamesa. Or ghrwale hmse tang aa gye h. Hmko niklna h ghr se. Hm or kisi ka kuch b nhi le sakte chahe ma baap behn hi ku na ho. Nhi chaiye hmko kisi ka kuch. Hey Prabhu hmko itna able bana do ki hmko kbi kisi se kuch lena na pare. Apse mangne me kaisa sharam lekin last wala me b nhi niklega. Isme b. Kaise parhe ab to ghrwale b soch re honge ki mera kya kiya jaye. Kaha bheje☹️. This feels so bad, I mean they know I won't qualify and they still will make efforts to insult me each and every moment and will say that they are being so good to me. They are going to be harder on me. I got tears already. I might cry anytime. Help me smile.

God Jesus now I am so sad suddenly watching everyone going ahead as always and I am left behind. They can do sales. I can't. Sales is calling people. I am loosing hope again. I'll work more now to get out of this sadist situation.




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