2020-10-15 23:32:54 (UTC)


sometimes, if you visualize a specific pathway, you close off other possible alternatives.
and often times, the shortest and most specific route will often have less alternatives.
but if two people visualize the same path together, it'll be easier to see the alternatives.
two minds working together as one.
we have to trust in ourselves and we have to trust in another person. being at different stages of our lives has made me question the viability of the relationship so many times. however, we have proven resilient in different conflicts and different situations. i just feel like i sometimes make too many mistakes. and he acknowledges being in my space.
therefore, i exhale my negative feelings with weed. and the process starts all over. the more negative i feel, the more weed i smoke. i get stressed, i smoke weed, and unfortunately i'm high most the day. i have no idea how it happens so much. but the best feeling is walking out onto that balcony and breathing that fresh air. or the feeling i get after i supported the fuck out of my teammates on overwatch. that happiness only happens when i'm high. and it doesn't feel the same when i'm not. i need to discover what feelings are invoked when those things occur besides happiness. what is so addicting about fresh air and victories? or is that just my brain's reward system? i need to change my motivations and my reward system. i keep indulging instead of rewarding with weed. i need to find a way to control my usage for sure. and i refuse to be lazy regardless of what anyone says. i have spent a ton of time fashioning my resume and next will be my career portfolio. i can still assemble one with the current documents i have, which is not a terrible idea.
i also have plans for opening a big bar. i really want to get one started. especially a gay bar in springfield, i'd have chosen otherwise... but there is one common element that all successful bars in Springfield have, and that is history! the longer they've survived, the more likely they'd have become popular. they're also all country club sounding names, which is almost hilarious, because it's painfully typical.
anyway, so long the old me, because i've worked out for 3 days now. but i still need to find ways to eat more. but i'm finally doing what i said i was gonna do. so no more excuses. no more excuses. i refuse.