Ninja Girl

Diary of a Breakup
2020-10-13 05:55:51 (UTC)

I fucked someone new

So since i'm a mild star on fetlife, i write with guys all the time. I got chummy with one who lived nearby. A little too chummy.

He's very nice and kind to me. Total dominant dude in the sack but seriously, overly generous with words to me. He's clearly not looking for a girlfriend, he bones other chicks.

But at this point he's fallen hard for me, and is wanting an intensity that i'm like "oh FUCK no". He's a decade older than me and it shows. I hoped that fucking him would distract me from the doctor. It didn't.

Because to get to Balboa island, I have to pass by the Doctor's office. Where we fucked so many times. I pass by an eatery that his new girlfriend posted with herself outside of it.

He and i fucked, he's super massive so it hurt, i was all restrained with handcuffs and all that. He attempted to go easy on me since i'm only 5 weeks into recovery from surgery but dude is like 6'7, he's like a bull in a china shop. He knows what he's doing around the bedroom but...it wasn't for me. It didn't distract me the way sex normally does. He kept stopping (his whole dominant thing) and would want to talk and get all intimate with vulnerable talk. Which isn't my style, ever. He commented how my reaction to anything serious is to make wisecracks as some type of defense mechanism. Yes dude, it is.

I figure this is Day 1 of my No Contact for my love addiction to the doctor. It was HARD. But i just need to go 30 days. Whenever i feel myself cracking with the urge to stalk the GF's instagram, i force myself to google more about love addiction.

Ugh dude's cologne smells somewhere on my body and i can't figure out what needs to be washed. I might need a shower before bed.

He was so huge, peeing all day feels like i'm pouring out battery acid (i take meds for right after sex to stop bladder infections, so it wasn't that plus it would be too soon anyway). It's like i had an episiotomy.

And this is what i do. I don't end things with dudes when they like me, i feel like i owe something. And actually, this sounds awful, but i'm kind of whoring myself here. If i do need to move out temporarily, he knows a dude who owns a hotel near me. He said everyone's doing AirBnB so whenever i'm ready, he can talk to his hotel friend. Ugh that means MONTHS though.

I feel like i jacked something up by having sex like that so soon. Another excuse to message the doctor, but what's the point? Not like he can operate on me. But on the plus side, it's my perfect excuse to delay sex until i'm at the 12 week mark with homeboy.

As i drove home, i bawled. I BAWLED LIKE A BABY. I"m bawling now.
30 days.
I'll feel better in 30 days.

This is why i must be a love addict. I let the doctor determine my self worth. And thing is, he DOES still think highly of me. I guess i want to HEAR it. All the damn time.

In other news i was trying to just make a bit of side cash from writing on medium but one article went viral and in a few days it's made almost $800, combined with my other articles that's $1000 and we're not even halfway through October. But again, I want to write to the doctor, because he was the one who encouraged me to write in the first place.

I'm going to shower now.




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