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2020-10-10 19:35:08 (UTC)

feeling poorly

"Bam Sha Klam" by Lomelda [don't know why this one has been sticking around my head so much lately]

Well, have I done well?
Why are you laughing?
Listen here,
This is serious
It's gonna be slow going
It's gonna be slow going
It's gonna be slow going
From here on out

October 10, 2020 Saturday 7:36 PM

It is important to note that this has been going on for a couple of days—not sure how long. I have felt lazy the whole week, but it is always hard to tell, to what extent that laziness is just—you know—me being sleepy and slow. And to what extent it is an aura. So I felt restless and I drove to the beach and I talked to my mom while I was walking on the sand, and then I sat there reading a translated collection of writings by Jorge Luis Borges, called "Everything and Nothing." And I walked barefoot by the water and picked up a lot of rocks, and decided I would give some to the people I care about, thinking immediately of Maria and then Karina and then Isaac. But before all that, I wanted to figure out what kind of rocks they were—except for the bit that was just a sea-softened shard of glass. Now that all the rocks have dried, they look much duller, but I think that's okay. Well. I don't know.

Anyway, I felt just as restless the next day too, and I walked down to the thrift store but I didn't buy anything. It was too crowded and I felt awkward, so I left. Things happen without your notice, you know? I normally enjoy cooking, but I haven't really felt up to it, and my piano practice has also started to get affected, lol. My room smells slightly weird, like rotten fruit, and I don't know where that smell could be coming from or if I'm imagining it. Then I had my first in-person class. And somewhere among all these happenings, one of those nights, I started making dinner, and I guess my dinner was "good" but to be honest, I didn't feel like eating, I was just making it because I thought it would help me de-stress and I needed to eat something at some point because it was evening.

Everyone was in the kitchen cooking at that time. I felt hyper-sensitive. I felt like sneaking in and out of the house. When Marie spoke, I could barely look at her because her voice was so loud I could feel it on the inside of my ear and it made me inexplicably furious. This is a sensation I recognize as some indicator of anxiety. There are other things too. Little things and comments follow me all day. A lot of fear, vague and small fear. The perma-anxiety about whether I am doing this "right." "This" being anything—could be parking a car, could be saying a sentence, could be breathing (not a hyperbole, I frequently worry that I am breathing in a way that negatively affects the positioning of my palate, or I worry that I have allergies, or I worry that I have sleep apnea, etc.). LOL yesterday, I low-key thought I was developing a bacterial infection in my finger that would soon turn into sepsis?? I had a bit of a swollen finger. Anyway, it went away and I'm fine, but not before I complained loudly to my roommates and called my mom to discuss it, hahaha. Embarrassing.

I'm eating well, I am not hungry, I just have no inspiration. Or desire. I last ate at around 3 o' clock so I'm not hungry, but I also don't want to eat too late. I think, though, that I'd rather cook when hungry, so I'm going to hold off on eating, and if I'm lucky, I won't have to eat until tomorrow, lmao.

I'm worried about my relationship with Matt, because to me it feels awkward and strained. Or maybe not strained, but very awkward. I don't know. I guess I had decided that I didn't really want to be close to him, but that doesn't mean I don't... mourn, in some ways, lol. And I do feel sort of sad, when I see him having this good and positive relationship with Maria.

Speaking of Maria, we've been out of step with each other, which is normal for friendships and I should not worry about it. I am a little worried about it. I feel isolated, but I think this is more of a perception than a reality. And I'm also manifesting it by staying locked in my room and leaving through the backdoor to go on long drives by myself, LOL.

Nadiya is a nice, safe little corner. It feels like she has no allegiance, in some ways. She's neutral. Which makes sense. Nadiyaand I never really had any ups or downs in our friendship, it was just kind of a steady thing. We're never going to be "best friends" or anything, but I really appreciate the reliability of it. I think it's because Nadiya is just so... I don't know, she receives other peoples' emotions, but not explosively???? Does that... make sense? Like, when Matt was mad at her awhile ago, Nadiya was never angry, just hurt and maybe even a little bit frustrated. And almost no aspect of the fight struck her as unjust (she understood that it was a misunderstanding), except for the fact that he was tweeting about it, which she doesn't like because she really values privacy. Other than that, Nadiya was relatively unruffled, and she's frequently like that. There are some things that have made her upset, and made her cry, but those were all pretty harrowing things (even if she might brush them off as petty) and they mostly bothered her because she felt helpless (I think?!?!?)—as for the rest of the minute fluctuations in our households' emotional economy, she doesn't seem as involved, and I value that a lot. It makes me feel better when I feel bad.

I've probably talked about this before, but I generally don't seek comfort from Maria when I feel bad, because she also feels bad pretty often, and as such I guess I don't feel like I receive the response I'm looking for. Which is, I guess, either validation or.. whatever it is that Nadiya does. Which is, she pretends she doesn't notice? I guess Maria also pretends she doesn't notice (it's a courtesy thing). Well, I don't know. Guess I still haven't figured it out.

Anyway, I think I might try to do some work. I've been really unproductive and the work is starting to accumulate. Isaac keeps wanting to talk to me and I don't like it. Ugh, I wish I phrased that differently. It's not even that he's been badgering me—he literally asked only once, yesterday, to talk to me today. And then I haven't really contacted him at all so he just texted saying, "skype tmrw morning?" and I can't explain my disgust. Except that something he texted me last night really rubbed me the wrong way. It was just a weird exchange that I am probably overthinking:

Isaac: could we talk tomorrow

Me: I believe so!!! [I didn't want to]
Me: i know im bringing the girls (and boy) to apple pick [didn't end up happening, we're going tomorrow]
Me: idk when that ends

Isaac: Can I come

Me: if u astral project sure

Isaac: I was planning to ask you to go apple picking it's okay go with your friends
Isaac: I can just drive there btw

[this, I didn't like, because I was confused??? He was "planning to ask" me?? Was that a poor attempt at a joke that I am taking too seriously or..? It's probably a joke lol. Also, the "I can just drive" thing, is probably also a joke, but it does bother me a bit because he kept asking before if he could come down to visit and I had to be like "No. Covid," several times.]

Me: pft we wouldn't be able to apple pick bc by the time I return to york it will be winter duhhh [a poor non-invasive attempt at gauging his intentions w the previous text]

Isaac: Okay. I. Want. to. See. You. Goodnight v

[His phone has a history of a malfunctioning space bar, so the formatting, I can brush off. I don't like the sentiment either though. It makes me nauseas. And then I get even more nauseated, with the fear, like: what if I haven't changed at all in 3 years? When it comes to Isaac, at least. If that were to be the case, it would not be good. I don't understand my own disgust and what that means for our friendship. I still haven't answered his more recent text.]

Okay. Well, I am going to go do some work now that I feel appropriately ill! I hope I don't continue to feel poorly. My papers for disability services only just went through and I still need to finalize some things with it so if I have a bad week I don't really have a safeguard yet :/