šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2020-10-10 13:15:46 (UTC)

Word Fest

I have been ill for so long now that it's not easy to get the healing side out and "written down on paper". I'm trying to but I don't think I'm trying hard enough. How hard is too hard? And how much is enough?
I need to make this entry a long one. Long enough to carve out some sense in all the days that I have spent so far living with no alcohol in them. And they haven't been that many. I'm 5 days away from 14 months.
It's more than just the last 14 months. It's my whole life.
What has been good and right about my life, and what has been the exact opposite. The latter seems to be, from where I see it, far greater than the former.
Today, I remembered and pondered the suicide of a woman who left us a few short years ago because she is/was an addict. It upset my inner calmness remembering her today. I didn't know her that well but it seems such a waste of a beautiful person. I also did not enjoy the ponderance either. It messed me up a bit. God bless you and rest your soul Neroli.
I've lost so many people to this disease called addiction. Yes, addiction kills. It's just about claimed my life more than once ; more than twice.
This entry is not audience writing. It's for me.
Life is not meant to be easy. I know it's not.
It's finding some really good sense of calm amid the storms that I am wanting more and more and more each day. Life is also very very beautiful. So beautiful in fact that I simply cannot contain it. I want live fully again. I want to live and love sans insanity.
I don't ever want to feel the cold kiss of suicide again. Change in my life has got to the point where it's of every importance : moment against moment to keep going whatever the cost. Because if I rest too long? I'm going to dangerously backslide into a state of regression so profound, dark and ugly, that I will surely want to end my life. Many addicts and alcoholics sober up and commit suicide. And this is the place where it happens : I cannot go back to using and I can't stand life without using. This is where I'm up to and passing through. It's not a prominent part of my days but it is there. Life is fucken hard with the booze and life is fucken hard without it. I'm through with bafflement. Fucking over it. I fucken baffle myself just as much as other people and situations do.

Work some more on this later...

Now I feel better. I feel changed inside. Writing changes me. I need to learn to live without ego. My inner ego needs to be constantly smashed and deflated. It needs to go. I cannot live a humble life successfully with ego still intact and sucking off my insides like a demonic leech. I hate ego now.




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