"...Like the Great Poets and Artists"
Personal entry follows.
I did not expect this email exchange, at all.
I don't know if I want to go through this subject quickly, so I am going to get to the gist as quickly as I can, and perhaps I will write more that you can read in the morning. I have had a lot of thoughts about this, ups and downs of it all, and I want you to know that our friendship is so strong that you thinking I am nuts or simply that it is not a good idea is not going to hurt me or change a thing between us. I absolutely mean that. I think COVID has made me want to be braver about things in my life. No regrets and all. Which leads me to my proposal.
I was masturbating last night, and I was fantasizing about you while I was doing it. It defintely was not the first time I have thought of sex with you while masturbating,and I can bet it won' t be the last. So now you know that. After I came and was lying in the after glow of orgasm when I realized "hey, you and [kestrel] are both single, both kinky and open enough to truly enjoy sex, and it may be the end of the world so maybe we should make this fun and be lovers".
There's many more fun Ideas I have going forward if you are interested,, but first I wanted to find out your thoughts on the matter. You have always known I have been attracted to you, right? It was one of the things I had to fight hard against while I was married, how attracted to you I was. Guess I should get all the confessions out in one quick email. There's a lot more though. ;)
Hope I didn't freak you out. I love you!
There were a couple other, shorter messages she had sent, including one where she described her vision of the relationship we would emulate being that "...like the great poets and artists." It was a noble ideal to envision, I'll admit.
Here's my response.
So there was a lot of, "Hell Yeah!" about this, and some, "Um, no." Let me provide a little background about my decision to say, "Not right now, for most of this," to you.
- You are an excellent friend, and yes of course I care about you a great deal and have love for you.
- Not saying that this came completely out of left field, but it seems like it took a lot of courage to share what you have. Thanks for entrusting it with me. It was pretty awesome to learn, and makes me feel good about myself. I think it's admirable that you're summoning a lot more courage and acting on it.
- With perhaps one short-lived exception that's rendered nearly impossible nowadays (COVID-19 aside), I have never been interested in physical intimacy in a non-romantic relationship in my lifetime. The idea of being physically intimate with someone without being in a committed romantic relationship with them is something I've never been able to feel comfortable with, for whatever reason.
- It may sound strange to someone from the outside, but my personal confidence took a major hit when I was hit by the car, and I have a feeling I've never fully-recovered from that. This has filtered primarily into romantic relationships, as I feel like my self-confidence and identity, the experience of being hit by the car and its aftermath, and the relationship I was in at the time that all happened are inter-related. This is likely the root of my issues with the women I've dated since then, which have generally been short-lived and unsatisfying.
- Hell yeah I was into you while you were married! I still remember a monumental occasion at the [music venue] while we were performing, [song from the band I was in]. But anyway... Personally speaking, I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of infidelity and I don't ever want to subject anyone to that because of something I've done. Of course, being on the outside of your relationship with your ex husband at the time, I didn't even want to entertain speculation about your feelings. So I apologize for my ignorance.
- Regarding my self-confidence, I have the feeling that pursuing some type of relationship that prioritizes intimacy, sexual expression, positivity, and safety could be really good for me.
- I hate the idea of stringing you along in something like this, saying something like, "I'll be down for you and me to fuck like rabbits one of these days, just hang on for a little longer." That's unfair, and puts everything about our friendship in this uncertain, awkward place, every time we found ourselves alone together.
- There's plenty that can be shared outside the bounds of physical intimacy, and I think I'm comfortable about that with you. Frank honesty is on the table, along with reading and writing pretty much anything. I do not watch porn, I am not into physical violence of pretty much any degree, I am not into non-human animals, not into men, and not into women a lot younger than me (I guess it would be something like /-7 years of my age if I had to put a number on it, and I'm 43), and I don't support burlesque. I suppose that's a summary of my "hard no" list, and it seems like you should see that right outta the gate.
That seems like a lot. But I suppose now it's time for a temperature check from you. How does all this sound at the moment?
Where will this go?