soon to be found
need courage to write publicly ..
need courage to write publicly here. I am very careful about my privacy. but I want, someday I get a response that can help me through this difficult time.
yeah, at least I'm not actually just talking to my laptop. if I want, I just write it on my laptop, or I keep it in private options.
Welcome, new diary!
today I feel out of place. my feelings cannot be explained. tomorrow I plan to see my house, which I have never paid for. I hope, my aunt really helped me for the first installment. I still have no income. I always thought about how I became a burden to this family. I am currently earning change online so I can save and buy my own food. I'm embarrassed to be 27 years old and still live with my parents, single and not working.
I still remember how my mother wrote how she felt to me, and she talked about how I was a burden to her. and people don't know what's going on. I'm tired of this charade, my mother is a narcissist and can't be changed.
I've been crying in my spare time lately, silly huh? it's like a new habit. I cry so easily and let myself dissolve remembering the sad things that I've experienced lately. No self-esteem, failed job interviews, abandoned online friends, I feel so alone. Maybe I was dreaming and dreaming, eager to find a partner, right now I can only do online dating. acquaintance means, because I also know 90 percent of online dating ends badly.
I wish this pandemic would end in my country soon. I want to work, I want to be in community again. yeah, forcing myself to know lots of guys so I can show that someone like me exists, and I'm single!
I want to pair up and meet the man I need.
yesterday i chat anonymously and i am a listener on therapy website and support community. I know the term codependent and I think it's me. I was also immersed in conversations with some of the people who encountered many narcissists in his life. I feel not alone. many people have experienced the same thing with me. but unfortunately we are both confused what to do. I have also counseled more than 5 times but it was not satisfying. I am confused.
at this time I decided to self help first and get closer to God. I hope I am strong and disciplined enough to continue to interact with a god, who has the power of all powers.
I really want to find myself again, after all this time I feel so selfish to think about my needs. As it turned out, it wasn't wrong, and I wanted to recover from the traumatic effects of narcistic abuse.
This morning I chatted briefly with my old friend, I used to hate her, she stayed away from me and I was not accepted in her gang. hahaha, I still remember how her friends didn't accept me when I wanted to be a part of them. I just want to have a family, yes, I've always felt alone.
Well, she contacted me and made small talk. also smart way to communicate with me after a long time, even though I know shes not really care about my life, but I'm grateful she wants to buy a work of art from me. it's true, branding on social media about what I do is helpful.
Yes, I hope this job doesn't make me so bored and procrastinate anymore. I need money, before I actually go to work. Yes, I hope I can get through it.